Well not meaning to burst your female bubble but romance and feeling emotionally connected are not high on a guys list! A guy is initially driven to get into your pants. Sure a guy wants companionship, a sense of belonging, to be loved, friendship, affection, closeness and lots of other things from a woman – but the initial and dominant thing on his mind is sex.

What a guy primarily looks for is a woman that can bear him healthy offspring. Now it doesn’t matter whether he consciously wants children or not – he will seek out women who can further his genes.

Basically speaking the signs of a ‘healthy woman’ are child bearing hips, a good hip to waist ratio, decent breasts, healthy weight, healthy looking skin, shiny hair, good teeth, plenty of controlled energy, etc. Initial physical attraction isn’t everything to a man. However in the moment of attraction it’s all he needs.

Catwalk myths

Some women believe that guys lust after catwalk models but this tends to be down to constant indoctrination by advertisers and media. I’ve never seen a catwalk model that I find particularly attractive and I assume the reason for this is that a skinny, pale waif of a woman isn’t really well kitted out to bear children. You don’t need to take my word for it – ask men. If they are honest with you and search within themselves beyond the glossy magazine hype, you’ll more than likely hear a guy say he’d have sex with her given the opportunity (big deal) but wouldn’t look to anything long term.

Capitalise on wandering eyes

If you’ve been out with a guy you’ll notice he can’t help eyeing up other women. He’s subconsciously qualifying them to see if they are suitable mates. Many women find this behaviour upsetting from ‘their guy’ as they feel he is looking to see if other women are better. However, this is just natural and is beyond the guy’s control. The lesson to be learned here is that guys will also check you out when they see you… so are you making the effort to appear attractive to them?

Men and sex

Here’s a point that you probably already know and don’t like. To a guy love and sex are two completely different things. It’s true to say that a man can have sex with a woman he loves – but it doesn’t have to be that way. Sex is sex and for a guy that’s as complex as it gets. Once a guy feels attraction for a woman he is generally ready to have sex with her straight away. You have to get this straight in your mind – it’s not a bad thing. Men are not bad, wicked or cold to be behaving this way - it’s simply the way they have evolved. It is only through our social structure and expectation that primitive male behaviour seems inappropriate. If you can accept that, it will stand you in good stead for understanding your guy’s behaviour.

Focus

A guy is driven instinctively to do certain things and be a certain way particularly when it comes to being in a relationship with a woman. These are not the same things which drive a woman to be with a guy. The first ‘classic example’ I hear plenty of women gripe about is how men work all the time – and then when they’re not at work they’re still thinking about it! I know about this because I do it myself. There are two drives at work here and it’s important for you to understand what’s going on with your guy if you’re to have a successful relationship. Getting on his case in these areas (because you don’t understand them as his drives) will only serve to irritate him and alienate you. The drives are:

1. Sense of purpose.
2. Provision.

It is essential for a guy to have a sense of purpose. Often this is directly related to his self-worth (or self-esteem as you may consider it). The stronger his sense of purpose – the more passionate he’ll be in everyday life. This in itself is very attractive to many women and if the truth be known, some of those women end up seeming to gripe specifically about what attracted her to him in the first place! On the flipside, a guy with no sense of purpose is about as stimulating as a jellyfish being carried wherever the tide takes him. So from a female perspective it’s important to be aware that part of what attracts you to a guy could well end up being (mis)labelled by you later on as a problem. Be careful.

Focus and relationship distance

A guy is driven strongly by his sense of purpose and from time to time it can be all that’s on his mind. It could be the case that although he’s sitting right next to you, his mind and focus can seem elsewhere. I appreciate that this can seem frustrating and that a guy can seem distant when this happens. However, you need to accept that this is part of what makes him a guy. He is simply wired to work this way. In reality he has no conscious choice in what he chooses to focus upon when his sense of purpose is in overdrive. He can’t simply take you out for a meal and choose to focus on you for the evening when he’s in this state of mind. The lights may be on, but nobody is home. It is therefore up to you to take time to understand this is part of who he is.

Provision up-shifting in guys

The second drive is provision. When a guy finds himself with a woman he could potentially settle down with, his sense of provision escalates. Most guys can provide for themselves needing only a bare minimum of comfort, clothing and food. However when a potential mate comes along, his mind shifts up a gear and he becomes focused on providing not just for twice as many people but also potentially for several offspring too. This adds pressure to the guy’s provision drive which in turn amplifies his sense of purpose. Now he has even more reason to do well so that he can provide more… and the heat is really on. Guys will rarely (if ever) discuss this with you as they feel responsible for taking care of it on their own. It is after all his responsibility to fulfil his purpose.

As already discussed guys are logical thinkers and when it comes to provision they are no different. Women being primarily emotionally driven generally see the emotional side of things before thinking about the logistics involved. That’s not a criticism – it’s a difference. So when a woman decides how wonderful it would be to plan a wedding, she imagines walking up the aisle and being a princess… the guy thinks about where the money is going to come from. This isn’t because he’s mean or uncaring, it’s because that’s the way he thinks. He doesn’t share your emotional connection to events as he isn’t equipped to think that way. So in reality whilst an average woman bathes in the emotional bliss of getting married, her guy can be thrown into provision turmoil wondering how he’s going to pay not only for the wedding but also all the subsequent expense of living together. The same can be true of having children. Women tend to think how wonderful it will be to have a child, whereas the provision thinking guy may be crunching the numbers wondering how much overtime it’ll take to make ends meet. A guy sees this responsibility as his purpose and reason for being there.

Validation & appreciation

However, when a guy goes out and works a long day in a job he probably hates, to provide for his woman (and perhaps children) – when he gets home the last thing he wants to hear is her complaining how all he ever does is work! He probably doesn’t want to work but he feels it’s his duty to do so. When a woman gets on his case saying how he’s always tired and doesn’t pay her attention he basically hears her saying – “I’m ungrateful and I don’t appreciate anything you do for me (or the family)”. This is the message which drives some guys to question why they bother. It can also leave them open to offers where another woman may openly appreciate them more. Be careful. The message you are trying to send can so easily be misinterpreted under these circumstances. By appearing ungrateful over your guy’s sense of purpose and provision you can be undermining his core beliefs.

I understand that being grateful works both ways and guys can also appear unappreciative of your own efforts. However let’s focus on what YOU can do to build a loving relationship first.

Nice Guys

So how many times have you or a woman you know said you wished you could find a ‘nice guy’?

The funny thing is that the vast majority of nice guys I know are single. They are available and women constantly pass them by. I don’t suppose you have any idea why this happens - or do you?

In my relationship work I also find myself helping numerous nice guys. Many are too nervous to risk getting shot down so they don’t ask any women out. The ones that do seem to always receive the same response… and this is it:

“I think you’re really cute and I just want to be friends with you…”

So essentially speaking, even though most women want a decent, stable, honest, loving, caring guy – they generally turn them down before even considering them for a relationship.

Worse still, who do these women often end up with? – Loud mouthed, overly confident, self centred, thoughtless, pig-headed jerks that simply use the woman and then discard her for another.

I speak to many women about this phenomenon and I always get the same response:

“Well I want a nice guy to treat me right BUT I don’t find them attractive or exciting. So I go for confident, popular guys who stimulate me emotionally and each time after a couple of months I end up getting hurt again”.

So do these women learn from their mistakes? – Of course not. They continue using their ‘attraction instinct’ to pursue what they consider to be an Alpha Male (often confused with a jerk) and ignore the decent guys who would actually give them far more of what they wanted without the hassle.

I want you to cross reference this section with the one on ‘Chemistry’. I won’t duplicate what I’ve already written but I will say that there’s a lot to be gained by putting the desire for immediate chemistry on hold. Certainly long enough to really get to know a ‘nice guy’ before saying you just want to be friends with him.

Communication

Men have evolved as problem solvers in order to provide food, shelter and protection – whereas women have evolved to become empathic and emotionally close to others.

Even today within our so called ‘equality based’ social structure we find men and women can struggle to communicate effectively. When men talk they will base their communication upon measurable quantities, spatial descriptions, logic and facts. This is called ‘content’. If a man talked for an hour with another man and you asked what they had discussed, each could probably write you a detailed list – with both descriptions being similar. If you were to ask the men how they ‘felt’ about the conversation they would probably look at you blankly and shrug their shoulders. The emotional depth of a male to male conversation is rarely considered relevant – let alone important.

Women tend to think more emotionally and with empathy. Facts, logic and measurable quantities tend to take a back seat – being referred to in order to justify emotional states and feelings. If a woman talked with another woman for an hour and you asked what they had discussed it is unlikely that either would give a detailed description. This is generally down to the lack of content involved in the conversation. However, both women would be able to discuss how they ‘felt’ about the conversation as their focus is directed more towards how the conversation stimulates them emotionally rather than what specifically they were talking about. Of course some women are more emotionally prevalent than others.

Understanding communication perspectives

In a previous section we discussed rapport and how we could use certain techniques to enhance how well we’re accepted by another person. It is true to say that people who are like each other tend to like each other. With this in mind I’d like you to start thinking about how you are going to gain rapport with a guy who doesn’t particularly care for emotional states or empathy, yet places great importance on logical problem solving, facts, figures, measurable quantities and spatial awareness. Essentially if you speak to him like you’d speak to a woman then you aren’t going to be making much sense in his world.

Here’s an example. Simply put yourself in the position of the woman. Then I’ll feed the example back to you from a man’s perspective so that you can begin to understand where your communication needs to be different when it comes to guys.

Example – Female Perspective (Emotion & Empathy)

You get home from work and you feel shattered. Your ungrateful boss has been on your case again today and you just want to scream. He doesn’t understand you at all and refuses to listen. Worse still your boyfriend arrives home at the same time as you and expects you to fix him a meal. As you make a start peeling the potatoes you feel the urge to talk about your day. You start to tell your boyfriend about how you feel and about how your boss never listens. You are promptly interrupted and your boyfriend starts trying to fix the situation (as usual) by saying you should do this and that or just quit that job and get another one where you are more appreciated. You snap at him for not listening to you and then begin to cry. He throws his hands into the air and shouts back at you that it’s YOU who never listens to what he says when he’s trying to help you…

Same Example – Male Perspective (Logic & Problem Solving)

You are feeling physically shattered having humped bricks all day at the building site. You just want to sit down in front of the TV and unwind for half an hour whilst you forget about work. As you let yourself into the house you realise your girlfriend has also just arrived home and as always she has the usual ‘hard done to’ face on. You skirt around her not wanting the usual work argument and switch on the TV. A couple of minutes pass and you hear her rattling about in the kitchen. Now although your instinct tells you to stay out of her way your heart tells you to go and help with her work problem. You get up and walk into the kitchen where right on cue she opens the floodgates and tells you how awful her job is and how she isn’t appreciated and how her boss never listens to her. It seems quite obvious what the solution is, but as always she has missed it by a mile. So once again you find yourself suggesting that she puts her grievance in writing so that something gets done about it or she hands in her notice and gets a job where she can be appreciated. You offer your finest advice with the greatest of intentions and what does she do? – She tells you that YOU weren’t listening. Basically she thinks that your solution to her problem sucks, even though she plainly can’t sort it out herself! Hurt by her outburst you decide not to waste anymore time on her work problem and storm off to watch TV…

So what do you make of that? I bet it’s easier to understand the female perspective isn’t it? Well here is some interesting information for you – guys don’t see it that way. Now there are obviously two sides to every coin and one of those is easy and preferential to you. However, the one that comes easily to you means very little to a guy. If you want a guy to understand you, then you are going to have to start speaking his language.

I want you to start listening to how guys communicate. I want you to notice the ‘content’ (facts, figures, logic) and also how they do a lot of problem solving. Also notice the lack of emotional talk – how often do they talk about how they feel about things? So make a conscious effort to really listen to HOW guys communicate and then do your best to feed it back to them.

Being romantic

One of the common complaints I hear from women regarding their husbands or boyfriends is that they are not romantic.

It’s not uncommon for a guy to genuinely try his best to please his girlfriend or wife through his actions. Often the guy assumes this to be a romantic gesture – the woman does not.

As you have already learned, guys function as problem solvers. It would therefore make sense to assume that what a guy holds as important is the ability to solve problems for a woman. So for example if a woman says that her vacuum cleaner is too cumbersome to use on stairs, then her guy may see this as a problem he could solve for her. Off he trots to the electrical store and buys her the finest lightweight model.

In his world he’s done everything right. He has listened, assessed, come up with a solution and taken action to solve the problem. However, even though he’s done everything to the best of his ability and without being asked directly – he’s still accused of being unromantic. I appreciate that having a ‘thoughtful’ guy is good, but thoughtful is not the same as romantic.

• To many guys being thoughtful is indistinguishable from being romantic

However have you ever considered why almost all women understand (and want) romance, whereas very few guys seem to come to terms with it? My theory is that romance is part of the fairytale stuff girls are raised with. It’s the adult equivalent of prince charming sweeping the beautiful princess off her feet and demonstrating to her that she is the only woman he wants. With this in mind it seems as though romance is a woman thing. Interestingly enough very few women seem to give it, whereas the majority seem to desire it. I guess it could be one of those numerous exceptions to the male / female equality rule.

I asked a woman to define being romantic and she said;

“When a guy does something for you or buys you things you need then he’s being thoughtful. When he does things or buys things that you don’t need then he’s being romantic – I mean who needs flowers, chocolates or post-it notes on their mirror with little messages on them?”

On the flipside is the male perspective. Romance makes no sense to most guys because it basically contradicts his primitive drives. A guy is there to solve problems and in the above quote, by definition, a woman has described being romantic as ‘not solving problems’ or ‘doing something that does not need doing’. That to a guy is like me saying to you – “don’t be emotional.”

• For guys that actually understand romance – being thoughtful still makes more sense.

I guess an additional hurdle for some guys is the fact that women will label them as unromantic, but refuse to offer any sort of guidance on what they actually want… because that would also be unromantic. It’s as if some women believe guys should instinctively know what they want and how to behave romantically towards them. Well I can only reiterate what I’ve already said and that is ‘romance is a woman thing’. You really can’t expect an average guy to simply get this right because in his defence it’s a very unnatural concept. Plenty of guys will consider themselves romantic (from their perspective) because they are thoughtful. In a guy’s own mind it’s difficult to separate thoughtful and romantic, particularly as thoughtful seems to make far more sense in his world.

• Romance is a female desire, shared by other women.

So for reference, always consider that your definition of what is and is not romantic is simply your belief as a woman. The only reason you get empathy and agreement regarding your romantic expectations is because you discuss it with other women sharing similar mindsets. When a guy does something practical or buys something useful for you – it’s probably because he cares enough about you to act… and particularly if you didn’t ask him directly for it. This to most guys is about as close as they can genuinely get to what you consider to be romantic. Do your best to accept what you perceive as his thoughtfulness, as his gesture of what he may understand to be romantic.

It wouldn’t hurt to explain (unromantic as it may seem) how a romantic gesture from your guy would make your day. The problem most guys have is that your idea of pointless effort and purchases being romantic - doesn’t add up. Why would he spend £40 on some flowers that will be dead in a few days when he could buy you something useful for the same amount of money? It makes no logical sense to him. Yes I know you’re thinking I’m missing the point, but I’m trying to explain how most guys see romantic gestures as pointless. They simply can’t understand how romantic gestures make you feel as a woman because they don’t experience things the way you do. So my point is that if you want romance in your life you need to take stock of the situation and do something about it. You need to forget the notion that guys do understand romance and what you want – but simply can’t be bothered to do it. It’s quite possible that if you let him know what you wanted and how important it was to how you felt, he’d accommodate you. The ball is in your court.

• Communicate your desires concisely – he may surprise you someday!

As you’ve read through this ‘understanding men’ section I hope it’s helped you to begin to get a feeling for how men can perceive the world so differently from you. This is basically a starting point where you can begin to genuinely appreciate how differing male – female perspectives don’t have to result in conflict. Once you understand how guys work you’ll begin to notice more and more about them that the vast majority of women are ignorant to. Putting the shoe on the other foot for a moment – how well would you get along with a guy that really understood you and how you felt at a deep level? It works both ways and if you’re willing to create a loving, fulfilling long term relationship… then you’re going to make your Mr Right a truly happy guy. There’s still more for you to learn in order to understand men fully… but every step you take brings you closer to your dream relationship. Let’s now consider where you are in terms of your life, mindset and emotional state: Getting Your Head Straight.