So let’s say you’ve been through the Finding Mr Right stage, got him interested in you during the Attracting Mr Right stage and now you’re dating. You’ve come a significant way in the relationship process but it could all go very wrong, potentially breaking your heart if you don’t successfully address the essential Keeping Mr Right stage.

Guys are notorious for wandering and infidelity when it comes to women. This is part of their instinctual male drive and they don’t produce three hundred million sperm each day for nothing. On the other hand there has been significant research which suggests women are just as promiscuous as men.

Potential to stray

Interestingly (in line with the ‘attraction instinct’ discussed earlier) it is not uncommon for women to be in a relationship with what they consider to be a ‘provider’ and to be promiscuous with a guy they have attraction instinct for. I guess a stereotypical example could be a young beautiful woman married to a middle aged tycoon giving birth to a baby bearing more than a passing resemblance to her husband’s bodyguard. So basically both men and women have the potential to stray, however there are things you can do (and also things you can avoid) to minimise the risk of your guy investing his time and energy in other women. OK, let’s start with some relationship –no-no’s:

Indirect language

If you want your guy to not understand what you want, then be sure to use indirect language. Guys have evolved to be specific and direct communicators. This is how a guy operates and this is what he understands.

Women on the other hand are busy making connections with things. They are wired to look within the words and interpret messages during a communication. It’s fine to communicate this way with other women and they’ll probably follow both what you’re talking about and also what you are really trying to say.

As is common, there are major differences between men and women here. Perhaps an example;

Sarah says – “Oh look Mike, aren’t those sunglasses gorgeous and it’s such a bright day today.”

Mike replies – “Erm yeah… they’re really nice. Let’s go and get something to eat.”

Guy’s need specifics

If Sarah had been with her female friends there would have been a co-ordinated stampede into the shop and they would all have been trying on sunglasses. However Mike is a guy. Mike heard a closed question and nothing else – “Aren’t those sunglasses gorgeous?” His options (responses) would be that he either liked them or he did not. He agreed that they were nice - end of communication. He is simply not equipped to understand the ‘indirect message’ that Sarah may be implying.

What Sarah needs to do is to remember that she’s not with her female friends who interpret her indirect language. Sarah is with a man who requires specific and direct communication in order to understand what she means.

For example;

Sarah says – “Hey Mike I really like the look of those sunglasses, I’m going to go and try them on.”

Mike replies – “Erm yeah ok. Let’s go and get something to eat afterwards.”

If you use indirect language in an attempt to coax your guy into giving you permission to act (like you would with your female friends) – then you’re probably going to be disappointed. Guys don’t work that way either with each other or with women.

Guys are not interested in guessing what women want, especially when they later receive grief for failing to do or acknowledge something she was hinting at. Guys want to know specifically what you want. They can then make a decision and act accordingly. Surely it’s better for a guy to understand a woman through direct communication than simply hoping he can pick up her subtle messages.

Communicate for results

In NLP there is a phrase which reads;

“The meaning of any communication is the response it elicits.”

So with this in mind, it’s perhaps a good idea to create your communication to elicit the response you want. If you find you are not receiving those responses, perhaps it’s not your guy being insensitive after all. It’s quite possible that you are communicating your message in a way which he doesn’t understand or recognise. Once again I want to point out that this isn’t an attack on how some women choose to communicate. I appreciate it works fine with other women. However, it’s my job to help you to understand how to be more successful in your communication with guys.

Can’t win questions

This is a type of female test which a guy can only lose – it’s just a matter of how badly;

• Does my bum look big in this?
• Do you fancy me more than Kylie?
• Do you think I’ve gained weight?

These are classic examples where the guy either gets branded as ‘insensitive’ or ‘a liar’. There’s simply no way for an average guy to win.

“Does my bum look big in this?”

- “Yes.”

“Oh you’re so insensitive, my self-esteem is already at rock bottom and you’re making it worse… I suppose you think I should diet too huh?”

Or alternatively;

“Does my bum look big in this?”

- “No.”

“You’re a liar. I’m absolutely huge. I’m not surprised though the way you put all that junk in the basket at the supermarket!”

Now I’m a seasoned guy and I’ve done plenty of research into this game many women play. I know how to answer a woman and keep her happy without being branded a liar or insensitive (or both). However 99% of guys don’t understand what you’re asking for. They think you’re asking a question rather than seeking comfort or reassurance. Thus if you ask 99% of guys then you’ll probably get an answer you don’t want to hear. Personally I think if a woman asks such a loaded question in the first place and the guy gives her an answer she doesn’t like – then it’s her own fault for putting him in that situation.

Here’s the moral;

• If you don’t want to hear his answer - don’t ask the question.

Keep your empathy games for your female circle because they are all aware of how it works. You reassure them and they in turn reassure you. When you start trying it on with guys (who don’t understand how it works) then you’re going to get your feelings hurt and probably annoy him into the bargain. It’s really not worth it.

The aftermath of being dumped

Let’s take a look at another major difference between men and women. When a couple split it’s generally one or the other that has decided to move on. Rarely are we afforded the luxury of both parties wanting out at the same moment. Research suggests more often than not it is the woman that makes the decision to separate. That’s not to say it’s necessarily true in your case, but overall it would seem women tend to be the ones that call time more often.

However, the way in which men and women respond to being ‘dumped’ seems to be almost poles apart.

When a guy gets dumped by a woman he tends to receive the news as a blow to his pride. The guy also has a tendency to assume that another guy is in the equation somewhere and it’s his responsibility to find him and knock his teeth out. Hence it seems to be more about his pride being in tatters because (maybe) another guy encroached on his territory. This loss of pride can seem to be more emotionally prevalent than the actual loss of his woman. It’s obviously not always the case, but guys are engineered to be proud in certain areas… and this is one of them. However, when a guy starts shopping again and focusing on chasing other women he tends to shift his thinking purely in that direction. When immersed in a room full of scantily clad women there’s little beyond tits and bums on his one track mind. It’s not to say that he doesn’t miss his ex, but in his book what’s done is done and he’s now on a mission to find another woman.

Women and ‘unfinished business’

With women it can be so very different. It’s almost as though there’s a part of a woman’s brain which goes into overdrive when she gets dumped by a guy. I call this ‘unfinished business’. From what I understand through women I’ve spoken to, is that when a guy says “it’s over” that’s just his opinion and from the woman’s perspective he’s likely to be proved wrong. I can only guess that there’s something in the ‘challenge mentality’ of so many women wanting what they can’t have. What could possibly be more intensely motivating to such a woman than a guy saying “you can’t have me anymore”?

I never cease to be amazed by how some women can reel off entire conversations they had with their ex from two or more years ago. Surely to have such a clear memory over such a long duration must require regular reviews of her memories. In my opinion, keeping this drama playing over and over simply focuses the mind on ‘what could have been’. It’s not surprising that even though women can get stuck in their past by replaying their memories (possibly with alternative endings), their ex’s have actually moved on and may now be abroad, married, with children etc.

It’s not uncommon for women to subconsciously use their ‘unfinished business’ strategy as a reason to remain alone. The mind may believe at some level that so long as it keeps mulling over the memories the relationship will be kept alive, possibly to the point where she’ll wake up next to him one morning. It doesn’t happen. So if you are one of these women – forget it!

Unfinished business baggage

If a woman with ‘unfinished business’ does enter a new relationship it’s easy for her to openly compare her current boyfriend and relationship to her ‘unfinished business relationship’. Regardless of a woman’s genuine intention, if she starts comparing her current guy to her ex he’s likely to run out of patience very quickly. Guys only accept this sort of thing one way – as criticism. Hence the most obvious male response would be to say; “if you want to talk about your ex all the time, why don’t you **** off and be with him?” Remember it is women that put men in this position because they are not really one hundred percent committed to their current relationship. Bear in mind the importance of laying an old relationship to rest before you embark upon a new one.

My personal advice is simple – when he no longer wants to be with you, he no longer wants to be with you. It doesn’t matter whose fault it was (if anyone’s) nor does it matter how long you were together. It doesn’t matter what great plans and intentions you had for the two you as a couple. That chapter in your life has ended and another one has started. If you insist on making things right (as you see it) then you are almost certainly putting yourself in a position where finding, attracting and keeping your Mr Right will be more difficult. It’s your decision but from a logical perspective what does a woman stand to gain from ‘unfinished business’ anyway?

You simply can’t force love - it has to be something that both people want for a relationship to flourish.

Testing your guy

So how do you know if he loves you today?

You could act unreasonably and get him to jump through some hoops so you can feel better about yourself.

Now I appreciate that you probably don’t see it that way and it’s certainly not my intention to attack you for what comes naturally. Some women are far worse than others in this area so it’s up to you to decide if you are a serial offender or not. What I discuss in this section is responsible for keeping untold numbers of women either single or unhappily attached… so please pay attention and adjust things as required.

Chick flick reality

Last night I watched a movie called ‘How to lose a guy in ten days’. It’s basically a humorous, romantic chick flick about a male advertising executive and an attractive female column writer working for a woman’s magazine. I’ll not ruin the plot because it’s a half decent film you will probably enjoy. However in essence the attractive female columnist has to pick up a guy and then hit him with every single thing a woman can do to put him off and make him dump her. She has to get him to ditch her within ten days and is then going to write about it in her column.

I must admit that I laughed from start to finish. It was a very funny take off of how some women behave towards guys and then wonder why they bolt for the door. The part which was particularly relevant to this section is when the couple go to an important basketball game (of which he is obviously an avid fan). The game has been electric with the scores neck and neck and just a couple of minutes to the final whistle. At this crucial moment she decides to ‘test how much he loves her’. She starts by saying she’s really thirsty to which he replies that it’s only a couple of minutes to the end of the game and they can get a drink on the way out. She whines a little and then abruptly says she’ll get it herself! Trying to keep her happy the guy rushes off and orders a drink… rushes back and hands it to her with thirty seconds left in the game. The scores are even and his team is on the attack – they could easily score and get through to the next round. However she decides to test him some more and says – “but this isn’t diet… I can only drink diet”. He rushes off to get her a ‘diet’ drink and whilst he’s being served his team score the winning goal, which he misses and the game is then over.

This is called manipulation.

Low self esteem is not his problem

Some women seem to think that because they have low self-esteem it should become their guy’s problem. By making him jump through hoops they can feel better about themselves believing that he favours them to something or someone else.

If you genuinely love your guy then you need to accept that manipulating him is unethical. If you have issues with your self-esteem or you’re unsure whether he loves you as much as you want him to – then do something about it yourself. He’ll love you for being decent to him, for understanding him, for not treating him like a woman, for being grateful and appreciating him, for having faith in him and for making him your real life hero. Actually the ‘real life hero’ may sound a little cheesy but in truth I don’t think there’s a guy alive that wouldn’t want his partner or wife to see him that way.

Relationship suicide

Let me tell you a story I’ve heard many times from women who have plenty of failed relationships between them;

She meets a guy and the first thing she does is to change the way he looks. She tells him what she likes and what she doesn’t like and in an attempt to make her happy the guy dresses accordingly. They then begin to shop together, she starts choosing his clothes for him and before long he is ideally dressed in her eyes. Next she notices he spends too much time with his friends – time which he could be spending with her. So one by one she takes a dislike to each of his mates putting him in a position where it’s either him or me. He sees less and less of his friends until there are only one or two left and those he only sees very occasionally. However he believes he must be really impressing her by making all these sacrifices showing her that he’s interested in long term commitment. All he has left of his old self is his passion for his car (or insert other primary interest here). Every weekend he lovingly tends to it, cleaning, waxing and polishing for hours on end. But wait she thinks – does he love that car more than me? Ultimately his time for his car is redirected to something she wants to do.

He has given her everything. He has given up his style, his friends and his car – surely he has demonstrated he will do anything for her and that he loves her deeply. The funny thing is that she now feels she doesn’t really love him anymore… certainly not like she used to. What is it with guys that try and please you all the time anyway? I’m going to have to ditch him she thinks… he’s just not my type.

This is how female tests work – you can either fail one way or fail the other. Here are the options;

• You test the guy and he complies. You feel a little better about yourself in the short term. However, as time goes by his repeated compliance demonstrates his inability to be assertive and to stand up to you. Your respect for him wanes and you begin to find him less attractive until ultimately you realise you’ve created a lap-dog and not a long term partner.

• You test the guy and he calls you on it. He’s not going to jump through your hoops and he tells you so. He adds that if you want a lap-dog perhaps you’d be better off with another guy. How’s your self-esteem now?

This is a harsh lesson to learn but it needed to be said. There are other ways to boost your self-esteem. Steer clear of making your guy jump through hoops just to satisfy your ego.

Concerns about other women

It’s natural for a woman to act in such a way as to protect her guy from female competition. However there’s no shortage of women who go about it in the worst possible way.

Your guy is not the enemy here… but you can talk him into it if you are persistent enough.

I know plenty of guys both personally and professionally who have fallen foul of their partner’s poor judgement. Guys look at women – period. No matter how much a woman bitches, complains or threatens – her guy cannot change his evolutionary makeup. When a woman gets on his case for ‘looking’ at another woman she basically introduces conflict.

The truth behind the accusation

The accusation however isn’t about ‘looking’ at another woman – is it? The accusation is made because the accuser feels on edge that her guy may be more attracted to another woman than he is to her. She may feel deep down that the other woman could offer more and she could lose her guy along with his provision and protection. So really it’s not about a guy looking – it’s about the accusers concerns of loss.

I’ll tell you how it is from a guy’s perspective. A guy looks first – then realises he’s looking afterwards. It is pure instinct and beyond conscious control. When a guy does look he is making a sexual assessment. He checks out how ‘female’ she is and how likely she is to bear him healthy offspring (considering her breasts, hips, bum, thighs, weight, build, overall looks, health, posture, movement, etc). A guy decides there and then whether he’d have sex with her, his decision being made within a matter of seconds. I’m sorry it’s not a fairy-tale romance but it’s the truth.

Of course there is a big difference between a guy looking at a woman and finding her attractive enough to have sex with, and looking at a woman and deciding he’s going to pursue her for sex. Just a quick note here – If a guy is happy with his woman and he’s sexually fulfilled, it’s very unlikely he’ll be motivated to pursue another one.

The male quandary

However, when a woman accuses her guy of ‘looking’ or ‘fancying’ another woman he’s just glanced at, he is put in a sticky situation. Well maybe he does fancy her – it shouldn’t be a crime and isn’t from a man’s perspective. However he knows an admission that he fancies another woman will result in severe consequences. It’s also possible that he didn’t fancy her (or didn’t even consciously realise he was looking). The guy then feels irritated that he stands accused of something he hasn’t done. He knows that denial leads to escalation and him being called a liar… so what does he do? To be honest there is little a guy can do other than to reprimand his woman for being unreasonable and trying to pick a fight. Most guys wouldn’t do this as they don’t want the conflict and in the eyes of society – when it comes to anything sexual, the guy is generally to blame. So in essence the guy is trapped between a rock and a hard place. His instincts guide him to act one way whilst his social morals and woman are pulling him in the opposite direction.

So it seems tough for the guy… but that’s just the start of it.

Accusing a guy of looking, fancying or wanting to sleep with another woman when it simply isn’t the case is genuinely hurtful. It questions his morality to the nth degree - which has already been made difficult through social expectation. When he has been accused this way a number of times he begins to wonder why he bothers remaining faithful. He’s going to get accused either way so why not make the most of things. This is where his morality has been invalidated to the point where he decides his instinct may as well take over. This is the time where he makes the decision that he has nothing to lose by shifting from the stance of looking and finding a woman attractive, to looking finding a woman attractive and then pursuing her. Then his partner can bitch all she likes and be right for a change, even though it won’t serve her in any way!

I don’t want this to happen in your relationship because there is simply no need.

He’ll stay if he’s happy

I appreciate that there are guys out there who have higher IQ’s than me, some are better looking than me, some are bigger and stronger than me, some have more money than me, some have a better sense of humour than me, some are more assertive than me… and the list goes on. There will always be a greater and a lesser than me. I need to accept that, just as I need to accept that a woman will stay with me as long as she wants to. Now if I were to start making accusations of my partner implying that she wants to do xyz – how much needless conflict would my own insecurity be introducing into our relationship?

A guy will stay with you because he wants to. He must choose to be with you and not be levered, blackmailed or manipulated into it. If you are fearful that he will run off with another woman then that’s YOUR PROBLEM and not his. Guys only bail out when they think they can get something better elsewhere. Do you really want to put him in a position where he resents you for making false accusations against him? Do you think frequently questioning his morality and loyalty will make him want you more?

I understand that it’s important for you to know and feel he loves you the most – more than any other woman. However there is a time and a place for everything, but when he’s checking out other women… it’s neither.

Looking rarely means anything

You need to accept that when he looks at other women it generally doesn’t mean anything. He’s just doing what all guys do. We like looking at attractive women – it makes us feel like life is worth living. It’s only when he’s unhappy with you (or the relationship) and looking at other women that you should have cause for concern. However even then you need to bite your tongue and keep your accusations in your head or you’ll make things worse. You need to win him over with love, attention and understanding. He’ll still look at other women but will not bother pursuing them. Make life good for him and you’ll be all the woman he wants.

Quiet time – When he doesn’t want to talk about it

You will have perhaps noticed that sometimes a guy says;

“I don’t want to talk about it”.

Now I appreciate that when a woman says the same thing she often means she really does want to talk about it and you should try harder to convince her to share whatever it is with you.

You may have also noticed thus far that there are certain ‘minor differences’ between men and women in both brain wiring and communication. Well here’s another.

• Generally speaking, when a guy says he doesn’t want to talk about it – he means it.

He is not being like one of your female friends implying that you should try harder and give her an excuse to spill the beans. Guys are logical thinkers and to be honest they can rarely be bothered to play drawn out communication games when something direct will suffice.

If you (as women so typically do) decide to relentlessly press the guy for information when he has already told you he doesn’t want to go into it – you will start to annoy him. I do appreciate that women can press guys this way simply because they care and want to know how the guy feels. However, if one guy pressed another guy who didn’t want to talk about something they would both be very aware that it could easily end up with someone getting a punch in the mouth. It’s hardly a solution but guys instinctively realise where to draw the line under such circumstances.

I know it’s natural for two women to run through this sort of thing as part of their communication strategy, but rarely is it the same for guys. If he says he doesn’t want to talk about something it’s because he means it. Press him and he’ll probably lose his temper. My advice is to remember he’s not a woman, to listen to what he’s saying and watch his body language. It may be the case that he’ll be willing to talk about it another time, just not at the moment.

• Give him time and space – he’ll come around when he’s ready.

In fact a lot of the time when a guy has had a think about things and mulled them over he can resolve the issue in his own mind. Often when the issue has been resolved he will be more comfortable discussing it with you in the past tense. I appreciate that it’s instinctive for many women to want to be involved and consulted when their guy seems distant – however my advice is to stay calm and give him the quiet time he needs.

I know it seems like I’m barking a ‘leave him alone’ message at you in this section. However you need to understand that guys tend not to resolve things or feel better by talking them through with their partner. It may seem that empathising and discussing things is the primary way to do things for you – because it is! Remember he’s a guy and his mind simply isn’t wired like yours. No matter how much you try to convince him that empathy and discussion will help him – it won’t.

Quiet time – When guys withdraw

Sometimes a guy may seem quiet and withdrawn. When a woman acts this way it often means she’s annoyed or upset about something. Thus the female response is to ‘talk things through’ and create empathy.

However when a guy withdraws it’s not necessarily the case that he’s annoyed or upset. It is far more likely that there’s simply something on his mind and he needs some time ‘inside’ to think things through. During this time you should treat him as you would in his after work quiet time. Take him a hot drink or a cold beer (just the one), give him a quick hug and leave him alone. He’ll come to you when he’s sorted things out… and he’ll be appreciative you stayed out of his way whilst he was solving his problem. This is no reflection on your value to him or the relationship. It is however, a positive and proactive step in avoiding unnecessary tension or arguments. When a guy withdraws it’s not the same as him being moody or sulking even though it may feel uncomfortable for you in a similar way. If you sense there is an atmosphere, simply remember that he is withdrawing to sort things out in his own mind and not to punish or distance himself from you.

The most common mistake made by women when their guy ‘goes inside’ is to take it personally;

• He doesn’t love me anymore
• He doesn’t fancy me
• He is having an affair
• I’ve done something to annoy or upset him

The problem is then compounded as the guy wants to be left alone. He could feel the woman is interrogating him rather than trying to help. The guy may say “there’s no problem” or “he has something on his mind” (meaning she can’t help him at the moment). Often the woman will up the tempo and start getting emotional with him, frustrated that he will not discuss it with her. The problem the guy has is that he can’t discuss it – for some reason it just doesn’t work that way for men. He has to figure it out in his own mind and alone. Unfortunately he now has a tearful woman making accusations that he no longer loves her, etc (you know the sort of stuff).

I appreciate that it can feel hurtful when a guy withdraws from you. I also understand that its second nature for most women to talk about their problems and issues with other people, leading to the conclusion that guys should also find it easy to do so. Personally I don’t know why guys withdraw the way they do. However I can speak from experience and say that when I have something playing on my mind the last thing I want to do is to discuss it. When I’m pressed and asked questions it not only consciously disturbs me, but also knots my stomach and causes the muscles in my neck, shoulders and back to tense. It’s really unpleasant and actually makes the problem worse.

Perhaps a woman would think me to be rude, uncaring or childish to behave this way. However, another guy would instinctively know to say something like “If you need a hand with anything, let me know” and then to leave me alone. He would earn my respect for doing just that.

Be there without encroaching

I’d also like to clarify that I don’t expect you to be a waitress or to pander to your guy’s every whim. By taking him a drink it demonstrates (by his perception) that you care and are there for him. This ‘kind act’ will not be interpreted by a guy as encroachment or interference on his quiet time. It is the ‘getting him to talk about the problem’ which although a natural thing for women to do, can actually cause him to feel backed into a corner. So in essence, let him know you’re there for him but don’t push him into what you see as sharing his problem with you. He’ll be back with you in no time…