Your internal processes (feelings and emotions) are merely electro-chemical signals in your brain which ‘feel real’ and ‘appear’ to have physical qualities. If you say you ‘lost your confidence’ then you are in a position where your subconscious mind is trying to find something which doesn’t physically exist. This can be very disempowering for some women as they often decide to ‘find their confidence’ through interactions with other people. This means reliance upon others as opposed to reliance upon oneself. This in turn leads to other people dictating how you feel. Then it’s generally a matter of the woman interpreting other people’s language and behaviour and arriving at some sort of conclusion as to how she should feel about it. If she feels good then that’s great. If she feels bad then the same cycle runs again where the woman is reliant upon other people for how she feels.

Be wary about relying on other people to act in the way which provides you with the feelings you desire. You are putting yourself in a position where your internal state is dictated by the responses of other people and good or bad… they are in control – not you.

Building confidence yourself

If for example you want to feel more confident – start small. Do something slightly challenging – then acknowledge yourself with a little self-appreciation. Then do something else, slightly different, low risk but a little challenging. Afterwards take a moment to reflect on your success and add it to your previous experience. Give yourself a little praise and allow yourself to feel a little smug. Do something everyday which you feel slightly uncomfortable about. Soon the discomfort makes way to feeling normal or impartial… then the confidence develops.

I’m sort of going off at a tangent a little here, but I think this will be useful for you.

I remember as a child I was out shopping with my mother. It was in the days when you had to go to a town centre because there were no supermarkets as we know them today. This meant lots of people going to lots of shops with lots of heavy shopping bags. As we walked in front of the Town Hall an old lady weighed down with plastic carrier bags approached. When she was about to pass us a handle on one of her carrier bags broke and her shopping spilled out across the floor. Cans rolled all over the place, a bag of sugar burst and apples bounced between shoppers’ feet. My mother being the kind hearted woman she is stopped to help the old lady retrieve her escaped shopping. After hunting through her own bags she found a spare carrier bag and gave it to the old woman. The old lady was shaken but soon composed herself, thanked my mother and went on her way

However a few weeks later I was again out shopping with my mother when one of her laden carrier bags sprung a leak. The entire contents spilled out onto the busy street. She looked panic stricken although as a child I didn’t understand why. Frantically with tears in her eyes she picked up her fruit and vegetables from the floor and hurried away. I remember she never spoke until we got home and then cried for what seemed like an eternity. When I asked what was wrong she said that she had never been so embarrassed and that she couldn’t possibly go shopping there again. Being a kid I asked another ‘why question’ and received an answer along the lines of – “all those people must think I’m so stupid”. My reply must have seemed very profound coming from a kid in short trousers. “But mummy we didn’t think anything bad when the old lady dropped her shopping did we?” Silence ensued as the childlike wisdom sunk in.

The truth about lacking confidence

OK, so what is confidence beyond a feeling? I think its how we anal adults worry about what other anal adults think of us. If we think they already do, or will think good things then we feel confident. If we think they already do or will think badly of us then we lack confidence. Now it’s time to get a grip and take a leaf or two out of my book.

• I care what very few people think of me. They are entitled to their opinion as I am entitled to mine.

• I try to live in a way that people would simply not believe gossip about me… not that it bothers me anyway.

• In my experience people who lack confidence are often their own worst enemy. They tend to imagine worse case scenarios for everything and everyone – then live their lives as though those worse case scenarios are actually the truth.

• In my experience people with low confidence and self-esteem come over as needy or desperate. Guys who seek out needy women are often looking to be domineering which by its nature strips the woman of any confidence or self-esteem she may have previously had. Often following such a break-up the woman will go straight for another domineering guy and the cycle repeats.

• Too many people who lack confidence simply stick to doing what they’re comfortable with in order to build up their confidence. This is rubbish – and it never works. If you want more confidence it comes ONLY from taking risk. The risk can be low and it’s a slow gentle process to gaining confidence. Alternatively running high risk by gritting your teeth and taking the jump reaps very fast results when things go well. Only you can decide the route you take.

• The problem with many people is that they don’t fail enough to get used to it. It makes them feel uncomfortable so they try to avoid it. By lacking confidence some women simply avoid doing anything and sink further into self pity and reliance upon others. It’s a fact that you learn far more from a failure than you could ever hope to learn from a direct success. Failure is good because it teaches us what we need to know about life and how things really work. It’s how we accept the failure that makes all the difference. If we take it personally and ‘lose all our confidence’ then we’ve learned nothing more than how to be anal and worry about what other people will think. If we think about what went wrong and why, we can formulate some sort of plan or learning requirement which ensures we have a solid foundation to build on next time.

• I’m assuming as an adult you walk in an upright position as opposed to crawling on all fours. So how did that come about? When you were a toddler learning to walk did you fall and ‘lose all your confidence’ wondering what everyone would think of you? Of course not. You had to learn how to balance yourself in order to stand, then to move one foot and place it in front of the other without stumbling. It was trial and error with plenty of failure… but you got there. You can do the same thing now if you drop the anal adult attitude regarding what other anal adults may think of you.

• We tend to assume that other people care about our shortfalls. Well generally speaking they are so tied up worrying what other people think of them that they don’t notice much of what’s really going on with you. Another point is that many people are genuine and caring and in all honesty you are far more likely to be beating yourself up about something to a greater extent than they would ever dream you were. For example you could believe people were thinking you’re stupid or inadequate but in reality they could be simply thinking you’re unlucky or that they’d like to help. I mean, how many people in Newcastle Town Centre remember my mum dropping her shopping in 1974? I’ll tell you – TWO! That’s my mother and me…

Understanding how emotions work

The only way information from the outside world can be received by our brain is through our five senses. They are;

1. Visual (pictures, images, mind movies)
2. Auditory (sounds and words)
3. Kinaesthetic (tactile touch and internal feelings)
4. Olfactory (smells)
5. Gustatory (tastes)

Due to the way we have evolved, we tend not to use the Olfactory and Gustatory senses to the same degree as the first three. Although all the senses are important we tend to work primarily with Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic.

Software of the mind

It would make sense therefore that if the brain were to use some sort of software or code to make sense of the world and let us know how we feel about things – that code would be based upon our primary senses (Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic).

In terms of altering mental images, the following will generally intensify the associated emotion or feeling:

• Make the image brighter.
• Make the image more colourful.
• Make the image sharper.
• Make the image larger.
• Bring the image closer.

If you wish to desensitise yourself with regard to a mental image then the following tend to help:

• Make the image darker.
• Drain out the colour or turn the image black and white.
• Make the image blurred and out of focus.
• Make the image smaller.
• Move the image further away (possibly until it disappears).
• Move the image to the side or place it behind you where you cannot see it.

The above guidelines work for most people, most of the time. However, you need to experiment a little with what works best for you.

Pictures and words create emotions

The ability of the mind to create emotions is not entirely restricted to images. It’s true to say that a picture paints a thousand words and from that perspective it’s easy to see how rapidly information can be processed via images rather than through reams of detailed language. As far as I understand the workings of the mind, it would seem that a feeling or emotional state tend to be derived from BOTH mental imagery AND internal dialogue (the chattering voice in your head). It is the combination of the picture and the associated chatter which seems to bind - creating the emotional state along with its dictated intensity. With this in mind it is perhaps a good idea to pay attention to your internal dialogue as you visualise mental imagery. For example you could consider:

• Digital content (the actual wording).
• Speed of the voice.
• Tonality of the voice.
• Tempo of the voice.
• Volume of the voice.

I talk to clients about substituting Donald Duck’s voice for their own (dis-empowering) internal chatter. This can alter the speed, tonality, tempo and possibly the volume of the internal voice – thus breaking apart the emotional intensity code previously making them unhappy. The breaking up of the code also (I believe) severs the bonds with the associated mental imagery – thus causing the feeling to reduce or neutralise entirely.

There’s a very simple way to express how this works.

Image + Internal Dialogue = Emotional State

In essence when you have an image in your mind (either consciously or subconsciously) and you add that to some internal dialogue - it creates an emotional state.

The reality of emotional states

It’s perhaps true to say that sometimes you find yourself ‘feeling down’ but don’t know why. The good news is that it’s nothing more than an image and some internal dialogue going on in your mind. This isn’t to play down the importance of your feelings – but it can go a long way to putting ‘what’s real’ in perspective. I guess it’s similar to saying that physical pain feels real but in reality it’s merely an electro-chemical signal sent from nerve endings to your brain. Basically, outside of your mind… that pain doesn’t actually exist in the real world. So for example, your friend could hit her finger with a hammer and experience pain. You could empathise and imagine how much it hurt, but in reality the actual physical pain only exists in her mind.

To see or not to see…

It’s quite possible that when you are feeling down or upset, the image and/or internal dialogue are outside of your conscious awareness. However, all you need to do is to consciously focus on why you feel down in order to draw up some mental imagery and the associated internal dialogue. Be aware that the images which may come to mind could consciously seem unrelated to how you feel. Remember that the subconscious has no analytical power and thus has no need to justify the images, internal dialogue and emotional state making any logical sense. If you are feeling upset and you try to consciously pull up some associated imagery and internal dialogue – simply work with what you get without questioning ‘why’ the image may be that way.

Another reason for questioning the reality of emotional states is that they are driven internally by the mind. It is of course true to say that some external factors may affect how you feel, but in reality it is actually your internal perception of those situations and circumstances which drive your emotional states. Let’s say for example that you spend eighty percent of your waking life in some sort of emotional state. That means that for eighty percent of your life you could be focused inward upon your feelings and internal thoughts. This leaves only twenty percent of your time to dedicate to the entire external world, its population, its wonders, its realities and your Mr Right. You probably know me well enough now to realise this isn’t a personal criticism of you or women in general. However, be very aware of how much downtime you have where you’re focusing inwards on something that only exists in your mind. Even your closest friend can only hope to have empathy with these processes… nobody else ever actually experiences them the way you do.

In NLP there’s a presupposition that reads:

• The map is not the territory.

Let’s imagine you need to drive somewhere unfamiliar and that you have a street map to assist you. The map consists of place names (in text form), landmarks (as icons) and lines representing roads. You can use the map to find your start point, your destination and then work out a suitable route linking one to the other. When you physically set off on your way you can look out for actual road signs and landmarks to cross reference with your street map to ensure you’re heading in the right direction.

In essence the street map (the map) is a representation of the actual roads, landmarks and places (the territory) to help you to understand your journey. The icons on the map are just printed symbols on a piece of paper, but they represent actual physical entities such as railway stations, churches, museums and woodland. So whilst planning your journey on the street map you may notice that there’s an icon for a church that you must pass on the way to your destination. Thus when you are driving along you could be looking out for the actual church to ensure you are going the right way.

This is very simple to understand and accept in this context. However, what would it be like if the ‘map is not the territory’ thing were true of our perceptions and emotions?

Filtering out the truth

Earlier we discussed that we have five senses, three of which seem to make up the primary channels by which we experience the world. Information comes in through our eyes, ears and sense of touch. The conscious analytical part of the mind simply doesn’t possess the processing power to deal with all the incoming information. To get around this problem the incoming information it is automatically run through various filters by the subconscious part of the mind. The filters consist of our beliefs, our rules and also our frame of understanding. The incoming information is subconsciously manipulated to fit with our perspective (beliefs, rules and understanding) often causing data to be deleted, altered or otherwise doctored to suit. This heavily filtered information is then considered to be our reality. However, the genuine truth is that it’s not a real world reality at all… it’s simply a reality we believe to be true.

Essentially we have created a map to help us to make sense of and understand the world (according to our existing perspective). The territory still exists as the world, but our perception of it is merely a representation (or map).

You may be thinking that you’re a fair, understanding and otherwise unbiased individual that calls a spade a spade. Well I regret to inform you that you’re not… and neither am I! We are riddled with bias at our subconscious core. Depending upon your preconceived ideas, your subconscious mind will filter, alter and delete incoming information to support your perspective (map) of the world.

Proof we believe in fabrication

Our history as a worldwide population has been plagued by conflict. It could be anything from a playground scuffle between two children, a disagreement at work, a relationship fall out or a world war. The scale or context doesn’t matter. However what does matter is what is consistent in each case:

• Everyone believes that ‘their map’ is ‘the reality’.

Imagine ten people in a room. They all share the same reality. They are all in the same place at the same time… yet their internal perspectives of what’s going on will all be different. However, to each individual ‘their perspective’ is ‘the reality’.

Understanding your own reality

Always be aware that what you believe to be reality (because you think, feel and believe it to be that way), is only your map or representation of reality. You have today been granted awareness beyond anything most people will ever experience in their lifetime. You are able to recognise your perceptions for what they are rather than assuming they are a true reality. You now have tools to shift and enhance your emotional state and soon you’ll learn how to identify and shift your core beliefs. Give yourself credit… you are becoming a very powerful woman.

There are three things you absolutely must take on board here:

1. Your map is not the territory. (Your perspective is not a true reality).
   
   
2. Almost everyone else you’ll ever meet and interact with, including your Mr Right, will probably believe that their map is the territory. (Their perspective is the true reality)
   
   
3. You can step inside other peoples’ maps temporarily in order to understand them, to gain insight into what they are and to rapidly build rapport. However, you must always be aware that you’re ‘just visiting’ and it’s no more of a true reality than your own map.

Upgrading the way you think

When people come to me professionally they almost always have some sort of problem they want me to help them with. They know they have a problem because they feel bad in some way and more often than not their chattering voice slates them for it on a regular basis.

Have you ever wondered how much of your life you spend telling yourself that you’re either not good enough, can’t do something, don’t deserve someone, you appear unattractive or that people don’t like you? What’s happening here is that your internal voice is verbalising the beliefs you have created. Now don’t worry because I’ve dedicated a CD to helping you identify and amend your unhelpful beliefs. However let’s just take a little time to realise what’s going on here.

What are beliefs?

A belief is essentially something we believe to be true. Many are created starting in early childhood and we continue to develop and take on new beliefs based upon our ongoing experience as adults. Some beliefs come from significant people in our life such as our parents, family and teachers. Other beliefs come from friends, newspapers, television and the internet. We also create beliefs based upon our experiences. I guess our strongest beliefs probably come from what has hurt us the most - the new belief being created to protect us from harm in the future.

However sometimes we create beliefs based upon inaccurate, generalised or circumstantial information. Our problem under these circumstances is that we hardly ever stop and question our beliefs. Our beliefs run almost exclusively on auto-pilot which means that they are normally outside of our awareness. So for example if a guy had ongoing problems with a Sony DVD player he may create the belief that ‘Sony products are rubbish’. In reality it could be that Sony make the best televisions in the world, however the implemented limiting belief could well cause the guy to pass Sony by when he needed a new television. It could also be true that Sony make the best DVD players too and that the unit the guy bought just happened to be dropped on the floor prior to purchase by a clumsy retailer completely independent of Sony.

Remember that our minds like to associate one thing to another – that is how we operate. However, it is often the case that when a belief we are using limits our progress – it’s not working the way it should.

Limiting beliefs in the real world

I recently worked with a young lady who was severely lacking in confidence and self-esteem. She had been bullied through senior school and was labelled by some other girls as ugly. She told me that even now, years later, wherever she went she received ‘dirty looks’ from other women as though there was something wrong with her. I was intrigued by her story and asked how many of the lads at her school called her ugly. Her reply did not surprise me. Apparently there was no shortage of guys queuing up for her attention. When I quizzed her presently about what happened when she went out at night, she replied that she would have at least half a dozen guys approach and ask for her number. Using my keen intellect and sense of logic I deduced that she probably wasn’t as ugly as she believed. In fact she was very, very attractive. I suggested to her that perhaps the other girls at her school felt a little intimidated that she was receiving so much male attention – particularly if they were not. It could be that jealousy provoked a group attack to try and pull her down a peg or two thus giving the other girls a chance with the lads.

Moving into the present I pointed out that it’s easy to subconsciously check people out. Funnily enough I found myself staring at a male body-builder in the supermarket not so long ago. I guess depending upon his beliefs he could have thought I was admiring him or glaring at him aggressively. Anyway, I pointed out to the young lady that when someone looks at you, they are just looking at you and often there’s nothing more to it. However because of her belief (that she was ugly) she looked for opportunities to subconsciously reinforce what she thought to be true. Thus whenever a woman looked at her she would assume they were thinking something nasty. When half a dozen guys approached her and asked for her number – then that didn’t fit in with the belief so it simply didn’t count!

I appreciate this seems crazy but cases like this are really common. This young lady simply cruised on auto-pilot singling out certain events which she could manipulate to suit her belief and then used them as reinforcement.

Limiting beliefs in your world

As you go about your daily life THINK about the things which hold you back. If you feel uncomfortable about something simply stop and ask yourself;

“What do I believe to be true about _____________?”

It’s quite possible your mind has created a limiting (or false) belief based upon;

• A single event.
• An unrelated event.
• More than one event but not enough to make it true.
• Hearsay or gossip.
• Someone’s opinion (maybe your own).
• Lack of knowledge or information.
• Outdated information.
• Irrelevant information.
• Generalisation from something else.
• A feeling or emotional state.

Now you need to be tough on yourself here – or rather you need to be tough on your beliefs. The subconscious does a good job of defending beliefs even when they are disempowering. Remember that beliefs motivate people to do extreme things – whether they are true or not. You only need to watch the news to see individuals strapping explosives onto themselves and setting them off in public places. It’s not my intention to get political here – I simply wanted to get you thinking how seriously the mind takes its beliefs.

The vast majority of limiting beliefs are created through generalisation. The ‘event’ can take almost any form of incoming information or experience. So basically;

Event + Generalisation = Belief

The truth about beliefs

It tends not to matter to our subconscious how relevant, accurate or timely the event is. If we decide at that level to generalise it (meaning it could be consistently true) then we can inadvertently create a limiting belief. Once the limiting belief is created our mind has accepted it as the truth and will use it on auto-pilot. The belief has become unquestioned and will be used in subconscious decision making processes beyond your conscious awareness. Scary isn’t it?

Once you have identified a limiting belief and decided to change it for the better, you need to specify it clearly. This basically reverses the generalisation which is often the unfounded reason for discomfort.

So for example Sally says;

“Everyone thinks I’m stupid”

Let’s say that Sally was having a meal with Mark and dropped a lump of cheesecake in her lap. She felt so stupid in front of him she wished the floor had opened up and swallowed her. It’s quite possible that Sally’s subconscious recognised her emotional discomfort and decided to install a belief to protect her in the future. Ideally a belief along the lines of “dropping cheesecake in my lap when dining out with a guy will probably make me feel stupid” would have served her well. However it’s more likely that the belief installed was something like “Mark thinks I’m stupid”. In reality Mark probably thought nothing of the sort – but that’s beliefs for you.

Anyway, as time goes by Sally repeatedly replays the event in her mind, regularly torturing herself. Her subconscious does what it’s good at and starts looking out (at a subliminal level) for opportunities to reinforce its new belief. As time passes and experiences start to build, Sally’s subconscious modifies its belief to “people think I’m stupid” and then ultimately to “everyone thinks I’m stupid”. Sally’s belief that “everyone thinks I’m stupid” probably developed quietly in the background and only became apparent to her when it had the opportunity to enter her conscious awareness. Perhaps she bumped into someone at the bank and as she blurted out an apology she thought everyone was staring at her. Right on cue she said to herself - “everyone thinks I’m stupid”.

OK so we now understand the mechanics of how Sally came to believe; “Everyone thinks I’m stupid”.

If Sally was honest with herself she could trace the belief back to the cheesecake incident. At that point she was consciously aware she felt stupid and may have (incorrectly) assumed Mark thought the same of her. However since that moment, the development of the belief has been the work of her subconscious and was probably beyond her conscious awareness. Her next point of conscious awareness would probably be when she bumped into somebody at the bank and thought to herself – “everyone thinks I’m stupid”.

Getting rid of limiting beliefs

Simply knowing the root of a limiting belief generally isn’t enough to render it harmless. We need to use some specific language to restructure the belief so that it becomes at least accurate (generally negating the problem) and possibly useful. Now we are going to examine how to break down that belief and then how to restructure it.

The word ‘everyone’ is likely be a generalisation. So to test it we ask – “Who specifically thinks I’m stupid?”

This causes the brain to do a search regarding the validity of the belief. Perhaps in Sally’s case she could think of several people she believed thought her to be stupid. Remember that her subconscious mind has been searching out opportunities to reinforce this belief, whilst at the same time deleting information which would render it untrue. By this I’m referring to instances where people may have demonstrated respect and appreciation for her but her mind filtered out that information as non-relevant. If Sally were to follow the trail of the belief she would inevitably arrive back at the cheesecake incident with Mark. This is the time and place that the belief was originally created, so this is the best place to work on it.

In order to challenge a limiting belief it is necessary to be objective. How you ‘feel’ about it must not be permitted to influence your actions. You simply have to detach yourself emotionally for a few minutes whilst you work. A good way to do this is through perceptual positions.

Perceptual positions

A perceptual position is simply the place from which you view something. In NLP there are three common positions:

1. Position One. This is how you perceive the event or information as though you are in your own body looking out. Sally would be in her own body looking at Mark.
   
   
2. Position Two. This position is as though you are in another person’s body as you perceive the event or information. Here Sally would imagine being in Marks body looking at herself through his eyes.
   
   
3. Position Three. This position is called the meta-position which means over and above. So for example Sally could perhaps be viewing events from the restaurant balcony as she looked down on Mark and herself eating their meal.
   

So Sally’s belief had been created exclusively in position one. She may have assumed that Mark viewed her as being stupid, but if she’s honest with herself she didn’t really try too hard to see things from his perspective.

Now Sally needs to visualise the events from (position two) inside Marks body and to give him genuine credit for his own likely perspective. When she runs through this and sees herself dropping cheesecake in her lap, she finds herself (as Mark) smiling as though mildly amused. From Marks perspective there seems to be no judgement or negative implication. He simply passes over his napkin and then continues with the conversation as though nothing has happened.

Next she views the situation from position three, the meta-position. So from the balcony she looks down on the two of them enjoying their meal, when suddenly Sally drops some cheesecake in her lap. The expression upon Sally’s face is pure embarrassment, whereas Mark chances a quick smile and immediately rescues her by passing his napkin across the table. As she looks around the restaurant nobody else has even bothered to glance towards them. Mark then continues to talk as though nothing has happened.

When simply knowing isn’t enough…

Through the objective use of perceptual positions it is often enough to disable a limiting belief. As always, simply knowing how this works isn’t enough to make changes in your life. You need to sit down for twenty minutes or so (each month) and face up to those beliefs which are holding you back from what you really want in your life. Run through each of the perceptual positions in an objective manner. Be aware that your subconscious will try and fight you initially so as to defend its beliefs. However, once your subconscious realises a belief is not serving your interests, or has been created through misinterpretation of information - it will comply by making the necessary changes.

Wanting your Mr Right at every level

Sometimes we can realise (at the time) that we are being unreasonable, stubborn or otherwise unwise in our actions. On other occasions it’s only when we experience pain or loss that we seem to arrive at the conclusion we’ve not handled things particularly well. It may even be the case that we’ve tried our absolute best, used our finest judgement and still ended up somewhere we specifically didn’t want to be. So what seems to be the problem?

Self-sabotage can be rife in many peoples’ subconscious strategies. Generally speaking, self-sabotage occurs as the result of one or more beliefs operating in conflict with what you consciously want.

I’ve been a therapist for many years and as a result have witnessed countless examples of subconscious conflict sabotaging areas of peoples’ lives. A common area of self sabotage for women is within their relationships. Generally speaking the more (such) women want to be with a given guy, the more they seem to find themselves ‘consciously trying hard’ to get things right. Yet in the moments when they’re ‘not thinking’ they seem to behave in a way which could jeopardise the relationship.

Obviously everyone is an individual and has their own learning experiences. However there do seem to be some common threads among the women I’ve worked with.

Here are some ‘problem beliefs’ I’ve encountered;

• I don’t feel attractive therefore guys cannot find me attractive.

• People think I’m a bad person.

• Nobody could ever love me.

• A guy will always leave me eventually.

• Nobody wants me at my age.

Remember that your subconscious will actively work towards proving your beliefs to be accurate, regardless of whether they actually help you or not. So the best way to be working towards your dream relationship is to work with beliefs which will support you rather than those that will sabotage your efforts.

Let’s take another look at the above common examples and work through them together. Even if they aren’t applicable to you, it’s useful to understand the process behind breaking down negative beliefs and replacing them with positive ones. Thus if you encounter one which isn’t actually listed, you’ll have a good understanding of how to take action.

• I don’t feel attractive therefore guys cannot find me attractive.

This woman doesn’t feel attractive and it’s almost certainly her opinion that she doesn’t look attractive. However, when it comes to guys it’s surely up to them whom they do and do not find attractive. It’s quite probable that at least some guys will not find her attractive – just as she will not find ALL guys attractive. However, it is her generalisation (of all guys) which could bring about self sabotage.

For example, she could be approached by a guy, go out for a few dates and find that they’re absolutely smitten with each other. She tries hard to impress him but soon finds her auto-pilot behaviours make her unreasonable and difficult to be around. Her subconscious decides that rather than accepting the belief to be inaccurate it’ll make sure she’s no longer attractive to him. Cue unreasonable behaviour and by the end of the week he’s ‘busy with other things’ and can’t see her. I appreciate it sounds crazy but this is what can happen with these beliefs. However when the beliefs are identified and either changed or replaced with more appropriate ones, the negative behaviour ceases. You’ll just have to trust me on this until you’ve had the opportunity to try it for yourself.

Just out of interest I’d have this belief re-written as;

“I accept that just as I don’t fancy all guys, they will not all fancy me. Even though I don’t feel attractive I need to be open to accepting the attention and love I receive from guys that do find me desirable.”

• People think I’m a bad person.

This is one of those very dis-empowering, ‘based upon almost nothing’ beliefs that can really mess things up for you. Trace the belief back to its inception and possibly through reinforcement (if any). Then rewrite the belief.

For example;

“Hiding my grandfather’s false teeth in a sand pit when I was five probably wasn’t the most angelic thing I’ve ever done. However, when my grandparents said I was a ‘bad girl’ they only meant that I’d behaved badly on that occasion and not that I was an inherently bad person.”

Remember that the subconscious part of the mind is non-analytical. Basically this means that it’s good at blindly enforcing things without really considering whether they’re actually appropriate or not. Couple this with generalisation and the subconscious will soon be seeking out experiences to uphold the belief whilst at the same time discounting experiences which would prove it wrong. Before you know it the subconscious has you living your life around the belief rather than changing the belief to help you live your life.

I’ve seen the slightest misinterpretation by a child’s subconscious mind still be negatively impacting their life forty years later. So be assertive with your beliefs. Hunt down these disempowering beliefs, challenge them and change them.

• Nobody could ever love me.

Once again we have a generalisation, this time in the form of the word ‘nobody’. We ask the question – “who specifically?” This isolates the people and/or event(s) on which the belief is based.

We then cross examine the experiences, possibly using perceptual positions, to shift the perspective the belief is based upon. It may be that the belief is currently unfounded, based upon misinterpreted information or possibly a result of hearsay. Whatever the case, the belief needs to be rewritten with specifics.

“Nobody could ever love me.”

- “Who specifically?”

“I don’t know, everyone I guess.”

- “What specifically makes you think that?”

“All the lads at school picked on me and said I was weird.”

- “Who specifically?”

“Andy Martin, James Harrison and Peter Smith.”

- “What specifically made them call you weird?”

“I had braces on my teeth.”

- “Who specifically calls you weird now?”

“Nobody… but they may think I am.”

- “What specifically gives you the ability to read minds?”

“I can’t.”

- “So because you feel upset you accuse people of thinking bad things about you? That’s not very nice.”

Here’s a better way to consider the belief:

“When I was at school I had it rough from three kids. However, I’m older now and I understand that playground cruelty is just one of those things that kids go through as they grow up. In the past I’ve had the tendency to carry the scars of that cruelty with me but I’ve realised that I’m actually tarring potentially decent people as bullies because I’ve been experiencing low self-esteem. Of the thousands of people I’ve met since leaving school none have actually referred to me as weird, so I now consider myself not only normal but also worthy of love, respect and my Mr Right.”

• A guy will always leave me eventually.

This one is a classic. You wouldn’t believe what women subscribing to this belief put men through in order to push them away – thus being “right about him all along”.

If we were to ask “who specifically” it’s likely that the woman will immediately realise she’s speculating on the future based upon what has happened in the past. (There’s a whole topic on this for you to refer to). However what she is unlikely to be aware of is that she’s probably subscribing to a self-fulfilling prophesy as opposed to all the guys she meets being unsuitable long term partners. An alternative belief could be:

“A guy will stay with me for as long as he wants to. It’s up to me to make sure that he wants to stay with me and I’ll do what I can to ensure that happens. If a guy does leave then that’s his prerogative and doesn’t necessarily reflect badly on me. It could be that staying together longer meant my real Mr Right couldn’t enter my life.”

• Nobody wants me at my age.

Here we have a mixture of future speculation coupled with generalisation. Once again, it’s not uncommon for women with this sort of belief to self sabotage their relationships in order to prove the belief true. As with other beliefs of this nature, the subconscious mind tends to manipulate incoming information (experiences) to support the belief and to delete or ignore anything which seems to point to the contrary.

If age were indeed the issue (which in truth it almost never is), then certain other beliefs would have to be in play. For example:

• I have to date someone of my own age.
• Nobody of my own age is actually interested in me.
• There’s something about my age which precludes me from having a successful relationship.
• Nobody outside of my own age group would be interested.

You’ve probably already guessed what I’m going to say. It’s all garbage. There’s not an ounce of truth in any of it!

Having issues about age differences should only be a problem to the person that has the issue. Thus if you have an issue with your age, you need to accept it is YOUR issue and nobody else’s. If you assume that other people automatically share your opinion then you are needlessly closing off your options and potential opportunities. I know several very happy couples with twenty years of age difference between them. So if you’re in your forties or even your fifties don’t be surprised if you find guys in their twenties eyeing you up. Likewise if you’re in your twenties or thirties there are plenty of older guys who’d love to have you on their arm.

It’s also a mathematical fact that if the number of men and women are roughly equal, it makes sense that for every single woman there’s a single guy. Perhaps there are guys out there thinking that you wouldn’t be interested in them because of THEIR age. Let’s rewrite the belief:

“Having a preconceived idea about my Mr Right’s age could cause me to be looking in the wrong place or to even overlook him completely. Thinking that I’m too young or too old is simply an issue I have with myself and will only impact other people if I push it upon them. I need to ensure that my issues do not come between myself and a successful relationship.”

So to sum up;

1. Always be careful when assuming problems are because of someone else.
   
   
2. Remain observant and try your best to notice what YOU do when you’re on auto-pilot.
   
   
3. Be firm with yourself when you consider what beliefs are contributing to your auto-pilot behaviour. Just because you do it without thinking – doesn’t necessarily make it useful.
   
   
4. Use what you’ve learned to question the validity and extent of the problem belief. Ask the; who specifically, how specifically, when specifically and where specifically questions and also consider the belief from different perspectives. Is it really such an accurate and true representation as your subconscious is making it out to be?
   
   
5. Rewrite or replace the problem belief with something accurate and specific which will support your conscious goals.
   

OK, if you’ve got this far – well done. I appreciate the information in this section is somewhat disjointed, but I wanted to give you some insight into what’s possible when you know how to do it. I can teach you tools and techniques which will turn your life around no matter what kind of emotional state or dark place you may currently find yourself in. Almost every woman I work with believes she is the exception and things simply can’t work out for her. However, I’ve never had a client who has used what I’ve taught her and failed to turn her life and relationships around. What I teach works… if you are prepared to learn and use it!