Finding Mr Right is perhaps the most important step you’ll take in securing your dream relationship. Risking your heart on falling in love with the wrong guy can be anything from frustrating to heart-breaking.  I’m sure if you’ve found your way to this website then having a broken heart is nothing new to you.  With this in mind I’m sure you’ll agree for creating a successful long term relationship which is loving, supportive and ultimately fulfilling you simply have to get one thing in place up front – the right guy!

Selection Process

We’ve already briefly discussed the impact ‘attraction instinct’ can have on many women’s selection process.  This often causes them to feel attracted to guys who would make good genetic mates but not necessarily decent long-term partners.  Thus if you are looking to create a loving and fulfilling long term relationship for the two of you (as opposed to merely considering repopulating the planet) then your ‘attraction instinct’ should be kept in check.  Always remember that no matter how intuitive attraction instinct and chemistry may feel to you – it is no guarantee that a guy is a decent long term prospect.  If you need to experience a broken heart again and again to convince you otherwise, then I’m sorry I haven’t managed to convince you yet.

Moving on from attraction instinct, it’s quite possible you already have an idea in your mind about how your Mr Right will look, sound, dress and behave - Forget it.

Pursuing false relationship ideas

Through years of learning, conditioning and indoctrination you may have come to the conclusion that you should be looking for a guy who fulfils your preconceived ideas.  We are educated from infancy as to what to expect, demand and conceive as representing a socially acceptable relationship.  We are taught to desire things we don’t actually want or need and inevitably the pursuit of such things leads us away from who we are inside.  You’ll learn later how the accepted social expectation of people (men and women) can go very much against what is natural for us as a species.

The divorce rate is 50% for a reason, so maybe we should consider the reasons things so often go pear-shaped before we risk joining the ranks of such statistics.  Be aware that one in two marriages ends in divorce;  however of the 50% remaining together how many are actually happy?  Some have to stay together because they simply can’t financially afford to separate, whereas others stay together purely because it’s a marginally better option than being alone.  So in essence be aware that most people running on instinctive auto-pilot are failing to get their relationship right.

Do you make the right choice?

Let me tell you about one of my clients Amanda.  She was twenty one at the time, intelligent, pretty and studying for a degree in psychology. Amanda came over to see me one afternoon and we were discussing her ‘guy troubles’.  I asked her outright what her ideal guy was like and she replied as follows;

• Tall (Six feet plus)
• 21-24 years of age
• Muscular build
• Sporty
• Dark hair
• Degree educated

I asked how many of her ex-boyfriends fitted these criteria and it transpired it was the majority. Amanda had created a ‘type’ in her mind and not only actively sought out guys who fitted in with what she thought she wanted, but also dismissed guys outside of her preconceived ideal man template.  I then asked, of the guys fitting her Mr Right criteria, how many of them (with the benefit of hindsight) were specifically what she wanted.  The answer was obvious – none!  I asked Amanda when she was going to stop fooling herself and she looked at me blankly.  Maintaining her gaze I walked from my whiteboard and sat down next to her.  Still looking deeply into her eyes I took her by the hand…

Eureka

I can’t tell you specifically what I said because that was between the two of us.  However, I will say that we spoke for a couple of minutes and Amanda seemed to experience an ‘eureka’ moment.  She realised that ‘her type’ was actually a filter which was repeatedly attracting her to unsuitable guys.  It was also quite probable that the very same filter was also causing her to miss out on guys who in reality were suitable long term partners possessing the genuine qualities she really wanted.

• The type you are instinctively attracted to and your ideal partner could be poles apart.

• Is the guy you’ve been looking for really the guy you want?

So whatever your type has been in the past, it’s time to open your mind.  It’s quite possible that the guy who will make you the happiest woman in the world doesn’t actually have blue eyes, stand six feet tall or drive a convertible.  If you have pre-conceptions about how he will look or dress then you could well be stubborn enough to shut your Mr Right out of your life permanently.

A different approach

I meet so many women that go on about ‘chemistry’.  They can date an absolute loser so long as they have ‘chemistry’, whereas the most wonderful guy in the world simply gets blanked if they don’t.

I had an interesting chat with my sister about chemistry.  She’s in her early thirties, bright, pretty and lives in London.  She works for the NHS as a manager and has no shortage of male friends and also guys who hit on her both during and after work.  She was telling me about three or four she had on her short-list – a consultant, a gynaecologist, a driver and some guy she met through a mutual friend (I think she said he was in a band).  She liked all four of them ‘as friends’ so being a guy I decided to pick her brains a little and to try and fathom what was happening at a logical level.

Chemistry – a spontaneous reaction

I asked her how she knew which guys she wanted to be ‘friends’ with and which ones were ‘relationship material’.  She replied that it’s all about chemistry.  I smiled as I nodded knowingly and asked – “so what is chemistry?”

Her answer was as follows;

“When you like a man but don’t feel the urge to throw your arms around him and kiss him – then there isn’t chemistry. He is friend material.  If you are with a man and you can’t help wanting to crawl all over him – then there is chemistry and he is relationship material.”

She then added;

“There was a man I really wanted to kiss and when he finally got around to it, I almost fell down.  My legs literally gave way beneath me.  Now that was chemistry!”

I delved a little deeper to find the logic behind her mindset;

“So if you have chemistry with a guy it doesn’t matter if he is a loser?”

She shrugged her shoulders, half-smiled and then bit her lip.  In a ‘yes I know what you’re saying’ way she replied;

“No it doesn’t matter if he’s a loser, because you don’t see it at the time.  I guess the chemistry sort of blinds you to peoples’ faults at first”.

I found this really interesting, particularly in view of all the no-hopers, spongers and derelicts my sister has had relationships with.  I’ve also seen her turn down plenty of genuinely decent guys – only to regret it when she sees them again and they are happily attached to someone else.  It would seem therefore that her selection criteria of - ‘must have chemistry’ isn’t serving her at all.

Take it at face value

The really sad thing about chemistry is that far too many women take it so seriously and insist it is the basis for a relationship.  It isn’t.  First of all chemistry is not something you share with a guy.  In effect chemistry is not something which demonstrates a bond between a man and a woman;  it’s merely a physiological response to certain pre-programmed psychological criteria being satisfied.  Don’t fool yourself into believing its fate or a fairy-tale coming true.  Take it at face value and enjoy it…  but don’t read into it as having long-term relevance.

I think chemistry boils down to a few things;

1. He will almost certainly be her ‘type’ and have at least some of the qualities required for ‘turning her on’.
   
   
2. He will have something called x-factor which although impossible to pinpoint or describe logically – it is there.
   
   
3. He will not necessarily have any long term compatibility qualities or traits.  In fact she has almost certainly not bothered to consider what sort of long term partner he will make – she’ll worry about that when they’re married…

Relationship suitability

If you allow chemistry to make your decisions for you or insist that it is present before you’ll even consider a guy, you’ll quite probably end up with a mismatched guy or a poor relationship.  There’s simply no excuse for an intelligent woman to believe in fairy stories and assume just because she has chemistry with a guy in that moment, he is actually some sort of magical being who can make all her dreams come true.

You don’t need to forget chemistry completely…  simply consider it a bonus if it’s there.  However your primary driving force needs to be a structured assessment of a guy’s long term relationship suitability. Let’s work with facts and get results, rather than with fairy tales and princes.

How to get it right

Much as it goes against female fantasy I’d like to point out that I know numerous women who have broken with their old ‘chemistry ways’ and started dating guys they initially found very ordinary. However, interestingly enough each of these women now describes her initially ordinary guy as ‘sexy’ or ‘gorgeous’ or a host of other descriptions they wouldn’t have dreamed of associating with them twelve months earlier.  This is because our thinking patterns shift.

The guys with whom you currently have chemistry are simply benefiting from learning experiences you’ve had in the past.  It doesn’t necessarily bring you long term happiness or fulfilment – rather it is simply a process your mind has learned and stuck with.  However, when these women actually pursued ‘non chemistry’ guys only to end up with caring, loving, reliable partners – their minds rewrote the thought processes required to give them chemistry.  Thus the previously ordinary guys (with positive relationship qualities) now appear to these women as being sexy and having chemistry.

I can only assume you’d be willing to put chemistry on the back burner whilst investing in a suitable long term partner.  The chemistry will develop in the way it should naturally.

Your ideal man

As you think about what we’ve already discussed, I want you to consider what qualities your ideal man must have in order for you to be happy.  This isn’t the same thing as we have already talked about. Physical attributes, although instinctively relevant are not long term criteria.  If you doubt me have a read of this;

• For every stunningly handsome guy – there’s a woman who is fed up of sleeping with him.

If you haven’t experienced this for yourself, get a stunningly good looking guy and live with him for a few years.  You’ll inevitably discover that his looks were nothing short of an initial attractor and once he settles down with you he could possibly let his appearance go anyway.  So if you want to rotate the guy you are with every few years, by all means let looks be the driving force behind your selection process.  Bear in mind however that every time you exchange your guy you will be a little older and gravity will have been a little harsher on you than the last time you went out on the pull.

Getting results

OK, so point made.  It’s fine to have a gorgeous guy provided he fulfils the other important stuff you require too.  Here are some of my ideas – simply agree or disagree as appropriate, adding more as you see fit:

Mr Right Criteria…

• Confident
• Assertive
• Kind
• Understanding
• Humorous
• Adventurous
• Mysterious
• Interesting
• Passionate
• Loving
• Thoughtful
• Outgoing
• Empathic
• Independent
• Charismatic
• Generous
• Romantic

Attraction factors

Here are things which inevitably attract some women; however you should be careful using these as attraction factors:

• Financial wealth

Financial wealth is attractive to some women in terms of provision.  A financially wealthy guy could provide well for offspring and also care for a woman in terms of money.  However the downside is that some women pursue a guy primarily for his money, giving rise to the guy’s belief that he is buying her as a partner.  A guy is unlikely to be close to a woman he believes he has on his payroll.

• Financial trappings

A guy with a Ferrari and an Armani suit may have wealth – but then so could a guy who shops at Marks & Spencer and drives a Ford.  Financial trappings are a way of displaying wealth publicly.  Some women see such a guy and immediately think of shopping for clothes, handbags and shoes for the rest of their lives.  The downside of course is that guys who like to display their wealth so publicly can often want a woman to display as some sort of trophy.  Once again, if a guy considers a woman to be a trophy then it’s probably unlikely that he is going to feel particularly close to her in other areas.

• Physical looks

To a degree we have already discussed this topic.  Just to recap, physical looks are an instinctive attractor in terms of making babies with good genetics.  However, that’s about as far as it goes.  In terms of evolution humankind has been about survival of the fittest (best genetics), whereas now our relationships are based upon provision, love, feeling good and a whole host of other criteria.  If you think that simply having a stunningly handsome guy will make you happy in every area of your life – you need to choke on some of those vanity pills you keep overdosing on.

• His status

Status tends to encompass guys who have power.  Managing directors of large firms and politicians are a couple of examples.  It is of course true to say that there are benefits to having a politician for a partner, but it comes on many occasions with its price.  Many guys have status because they are driven to gain it.  Other guys inherit status but have to live accordingly to retain it.  Either way, it is unlikely that a woman will be a status guy’s number one priority.

To sum up these points I’d like to stress that wealth, trappings, looks or status are not inherently bad things for a guy to have.  Just don’t pick a guy based upon any of these factors alone.  If he has nine out of ten of your Mr Right Criteria and he’s a millionaire then it’s a bonus.  If he drives a Lotus and has a five bedroom place in Kensington but is vain, nervous, and self-centred…  move on.

Don’t obsess

The fairy tale says that there’s one special person somewhere for you and together you’ll make the perfect couple.  The bad news is that there’s as much truth in that as there is in the tooth fairy.  If you want to find your Mr Right you need to shift your mindset a little and understand how your internal drives may actually be keeping you apart!

I have a theory which may explain why so many women find themselves in the position of obsessing over one particular guy.  If you haven’t experienced this personally I’m sure you know a woman that has.

As with many of our social difficulties, particularly with respect to relationships, we can trace things back to a more primitive age.  Imagine for a moment that you’re living a couple of thousand years ago. It’s quite likely that you’re a member of a tribe numbering no more than eighty or so people.  Of those people around you maybe forty are males.  Of those forty males ten are elderly and ten are children with the remaining twenty being considered potential suitors.  The neighbouring tribes are either hostile or too far away to consider as practical in providing any additional males.  So there you have it – a choice of approximately twenty guys.

Compulsive attraction

Now it’s almost a certainty that one of those twenty guys will seem far more attractive to you than the rest.  It’s very likely that his genetics, attitude and position within the tribe would cause you to feel strong attraction for him.  Of course, it’s also likely to be the case that many of the women in the tribe think along the same lines as you and are actively competing for his attention.  Thus you evolved as a woman to pursue what you find strongly attractive.  The more determined you were to win the guy you were attracted to – the more likely you were to succeed.  Back in primitive times this focus and determination served to ensure that the best genetics were carried forward to the next generation.

However, our society has evolved far more quickly than our core programming.  In reality, our minds (at a subconscious level) are still operating in primitive mode.  This means that deep inside the instinctive part of our mind we are still making decisions as though we live in a primitive tribe.

You’re no longer restricted

In our modern age things are very different.  Thanks to modern communication and transport methods it’s so easy to be readily in touch with huge numbers of people if you make a focused effort.  Thus its time to realise that you’re not restricted to choosing one guy from a handful – even if that was your old subconscious perspective.  Just using the internet can put you in touch with hundreds of thousands of available guys…  possibly even millions.

• Suitable guys are not scarce if you have an open perspective.

So what happens when a woman does obsess over one particular guy?

In my experience I’ve been quite disturbed by how deeply this runs with some women.  It’s like she spends almost all her time either thinking about the one guy, talking to her friends about him incessantly, interpreting his general conversation or actions as being romantically driven or sifting through his garbage at 3am in the morning!

The price of obsession

It occurred to me that whilst in this long term obsessed state the woman in question could be completely oblivious to the availability and interest of other suitable guys.

• Obsessing over what you hope will be ‘the one’ will almost certainly blind you to the availability and interest of other suitable guys.  There’s no guarantee (beyond your fantasies) that any guy you obsess over will be right for you.

There’s a very obvious point I’m going to make now.  I hope it’s already occurred to you, but if not here it is;

• Mr Right is NOT an individual.

His qualities

Mr Right represents a set of criteria (qualities) and traits that you seek in a guy.  The good news here is that rather than believing there’s one single individual for you somewhere on the planet – there can actually be many guys who have the Mr Right criteria you are seeking.  The more open minded you are, the more likely you’ll be to recognise those Mr Right criteria in guys you brush shoulders with each day.  I’m certainly not asking you to drop your standards or accept second best, actually far from it.  I’m merely suggesting that if you genuinely focus on what it is you truly want in a guy you’ll probably start to notice it in the guys around you.

If you are a normal, reasonable woman seeking a loving long term relationship with a special guy – there are many men which could achieve that with you.  Get communicating and start tracking them down…

Open eyes equals open mind

I hope by now you are starting to apply some of these ideas to your own thought processes.  I also hope that you have cringed a little as you read, not because you find what I have to say offensive, rather because you have realised some of your previous auto-pilot behaviours may have been keeping you and your potential Mr Right apart.

I want you to take a leaf out of a guy’s book now.  When it comes to checking out women, guys are relentless.  Even if they are with their wife or girlfriend they simply can’t help checking out other women.  As I will discuss elsewhere, there is nothing a guy can do about it.  He is drawn instinctively to check out a woman before his conscious mind (and social conditioning) tells him it’s not a particularly acceptable thing to be doing when he has another woman on his arm.

Stay open minded

There are a lot of single guys out there and also plenty of unhappily attached guys too.  Yes I know that’s not a very politically correct thing to say – but it’s the truth.  Some couples can remain in an unhappy relationship because each feels if they split up then they will be alone.  It is fear of being lonely that keeps some relationships together and to be honest life is too short to be living that way. Another possible reason could be that the couple remain together simply because of financial constraints.  In the UK at the moment house prices are so high that it is very difficult to buy a house (or borrow the money for that matter) on one salary.  Hence people can sometimes end up trapped with each other because neither can afford to move out and live elsewhere.  So with this in mind it’s quite possible that a guy, who is in an unhappy relationship, afraid to be alone or financially trapped through circumstances, could be very pleased to hear from you.

Worthwhile relationships

I look at relationships this way.  If a man or woman is 100% happy in their relationship then they will not take up an offer from anyone else.  If they are prepared to ‘cheat’ or ‘break up’ then the original relationship wasn’t worthwhile as a long term investment.  Each of us live once and we are responsible for our own decisions and actions.  If we choose to stay in an unhappy relationship then that’s our choice.  If we choose to pass by a member of the opposite sex simply because they wear a ring or live with someone, without us actually bothering to find out if they are happy doing that – then it is our responsibility also.  I’m not suggesting you should purposely target a married or otherwise attached man however I am insisting you don’t discount him on those grounds.

A smile goes a long way

Remember that you could encounter your Mr Right at any time and in any place – so keep your eyes open and your mind focused.  It’s quite possible that you may not instantly recognise him as your Mr Right so do yourself a favour and get into the habit of capitalising on situations.  Here are some habits that you could develop to help you do this:

• Genuinely smile at a guy if there’s ‘anything’ about him you like.  It’s so simple and it goes such a long way.

• Whenever a guy makes eye contact with you (no matter how fleeting) return the eye contact and smile.

• Get into the habit of saying “hi” (or “hello” if you prefer) to guys you find yourself brushing shoulders with each day.  If you sit down next to a guy in a reception or waiting room – say “hi” to him.  If you’re standing in a queue and a guy looks over his shoulder in your direction – say “hi”.  If you’re walking down a corridor or along a street and a guy coming in the opposite direction makes eye contact…  say “hi”.  Say it with a genuine smile on your face and you’ll be amazed at the responses you’ll receive.  Remember to stay safe and use your discretion.

OK I have so much more I want to discuss with you about finding your Mr Right, but I’m going to call time here.  Much of what you’ve read so far has been regarding things to avoid however there’s much more for you to learn in terms of what to actively do in order to find your Mr Right.  You are welcome to take a look at the ‘articles’ page, but first I’d recommend that you read the section on Attracting Mr Right.