Attraction appears to be a fateful event within the relationship process. Rarely in the western world does a man shift from being a stranger to a boyfriend or husband without him feeling a sense of attraction for a woman. We’ve already discussed that women have ‘attraction instinct’ and that it basically overwrites her logical judgement when it comes to who she selects to enter a relationship with. Well, although very different from women in the things they find attractive – guys too have their own brand of ‘attraction instinct’. It’s your choice as to whether you ignore this fact and leave things to chance, or whether you learn how it works and capitalise on it. As you well know by now;

• Attraction is not a choice

So with this in mind if you actually knew how attraction instinct worked for guys, then you’d be in a position to use that information to make yourself attractive to any given guy. So piecing together the puzzle so far; you’re going to use your intellect to decide what qualities you want from a guy, find a guy with those qualities (which is far easier than you’d think) and then you need to get him to find you attractive. OK, let’s discuss attracting Mr Right…

Appearing approachable

First of all, from my own experience, I’ve noticed women who are out together tend to stay in a close knit group. This is great for security and protection from unwanted attention. Essentially any guy who approaches one woman within the group without her invitation stands to be confronted by all the other women in the group. It’s a tough place for a guy to be and most know it is a situation to be avoided through either instinct or experience.

However many women don’t actually consider this as a barrier and assume a guy (given the minimum of interest signals) will simply come over and introduce himself. It doesn’t work that way in a guys mind. More often than not a guy will be more focused on being rejected and humiliated by a group of women than by succeeding in picking one of them up. You also need to consider the hard time his mates will give him if he appears to get shot down.

Making first contact

Guys also struggle with interpreting ‘come-on’ signals. They are used to very direct communication with other men and subtle or indirect signals tend to be misinterpreted or missed entirely in many cases.

Here’s what to do;

1. Demonstrate your usual interest signals from the safety of your group.
   
   
2. If he doesn’t respond move a short distance away from your group so that you appear to be temporarily alone. Give him plenty of eye contact and a shy smile.
   
   
3. If he still doesn’t get it, move over to him and check he has a pulse! No seriously, you wouldn’t believe how naïve some guys can be reading these signals. If you really like the look of him and he’s not picking up your signals – walk over and ask him a question. Once he has answered, smile, hold out your hand (to shake hands) saying “Hi my name’s ___________.
   
   
4. If you want to know what happens next, you need to purchase my book which provides a comprehensive ‘how to guide’ on all aspects of the attraction process.

10 Pitfalls you must initially avoid!

• Don’t expect him to do all the work. Unless you are stunningly physically attractive you’re probably going to have to make at least some of the effort.

• Don’t stand in a tight group with your friends expecting him to barge in and start talking to you. Guys have issues with rejection and making it difficult for him will not get you anywhere.

• Don’t create drama around yourself. It can make a guy think you’re going to be hard work.

• Don’t verbalise your thoughts. Think about the point you’re making (if any) before you speak. Guys will generally be somewhere between disinterested and irritated by women who talk for the sake of it. When you talk to a guy you are holding his attention so make it worth his while.

• Don’t raise problems, conflict or bad mouth people in front of him. Guys generally find bitchiness unpalatable, conflict as something they can do without and a woman who goes on about her problems as an attention-seeker. It’s ok to discuss your problems later on in the relationship but I’d give it a miss early on when trying to attract him.

• Don’t push a guy to talk about his feelings. Guys don’t understand what you’re asking them and you’ll end up backing him into a corner and making him withdraw from you.

• Don’t push a guy when he says “I don’t want to talk about it”. Remember he’s not one of your female friends expecting you to persist so she can tell you anyway. When a guy retains his silence he’s unlikely to be doing it to be secretive. It has little bearing on whether he trusts you or not, so I suggest you refrain from taking the “why don’t you trust me” stance with him. Generally speaking a guy needs some quiet time to get things straight in his head and to come up with his own solution. Having a discussion when he doesn’t want one actually disturbs the process and can be very frustrating for him. Remember that his coping strategies are very different from yours and to try pushing the way you do things onto him can be corrosive to the relationship.

• Don’t discuss relationships, romantic expectation, having babies, getting engaged, getting married or moving in together especially early on.
  
  
• Don’t discuss politics, religion or ex-boyfriends (unless he asks).

• Don’t rely upon him to ask to see you again, ask for your number or make the first move.

16 Essentials for attracting a new guy

• Smile and be approachable. Guys can have serious issues with rejection so make it easy for him to approach you.

• Move away from your friends and make eye contact with him. Keep his gaze for a little longer than is comfortable. Remember guys rarely understand subtle ‘come on’ signals. You may need to be quite blatant in gaining his attention.

• If he doesn’t come over immediately be prepared to approach him. Be sure to do it sooner than later. Once he’s gone – he’s gone!

• Try your best to think logically rather than emotionally. This way the guy will understand you better and rapport will be created.

• Stay calm even if something irritates you. It’s ok to explain that you don’t like something, but don’t get emotional about it. The last thing a guy wants is a woman that he thinks will get hysterical whenever she doesn’t agree with something. Early on – be cool.

• Have your own life, friends and interests. A guy will be far more likely to accept a woman with a life of her own – than one he thinks will want to start dictating how he should live his.

• Accept yourself and your beliefs. A guy will be put off by a woman that requires her thoughts, emotions and actions validating all the time. He has enough hassle running his own life without having to constantly worry about validating someone else’s.

• Act like you’re fun to be around. The last thing a guy wants from a woman is pressure. Avoid telegraphing neediness like the plague. The only guys who seek out needy women are ones who seek to dominate. You really don’t want one of those guys.

• Show interest in him and what he likes to do. Acting aloof, impartial or playing hard to get will generally get you nowhere with a guy. Guys generally can’t be bothered to play psychological games. Remember that ‘hard to get’ is attractive to women – not men. So do yourself a favour and express at least a friendly interest in him.

• Be straight. Avoid indirect language. If you want something – simply ask.

• Assess his suitability as a long term partner, without trying to get commitment out of him up front. If you push for commitment – he’s likely to withdraw.

• Utilise language patterns (discussed soon) to guide his thought processes in the direction you want.

• Touch him first. Something innocent like his elbow or knee (if you’re seated) can really break the ‘physical ice’ with a guy. Remember that guys have to be so careful they don’t ‘assault’ a woman by touching her. Touch first in a playful way then withdraw your hand noticing his response. If he doesn’t seem to mind (most wont) or doesn’t notice (this is generally the rest) then touch him again shortly afterwards.

• When you’ve touched him and withdrawn a couple of times, touch him and hold your hand (or whatever) there for long enough to make a point of it. It’s up to you whether you leave your hand there or whether to withdraw after you’ve made your ‘touching point’. I really can’t emphasise enough the amount of pressure this will lift. Many decent guys can be wary about touching women for fear of being accused of wrong-doing. It simply doesn’t seem to work like that when a woman touches a guy.

• Create sexual tension (discussed elsewhere) and associate his horny feelings to you personally.

• Raise opportunities for him to see you again using a bind (discussed elsewhere) if necessary.

The truth about rapport and relationships

Rapport is defined as follows;

Noun, a close and harmonious relationship in which there is common understanding

Up until now it’s likely that you have relied upon luck or fate to secure your Mr Right. However, as you’re reading this I have to assume that there has been at least some form of shortfall along the way. With this in mind it’s important for you to accept a couple of facts regarding luck and fate.

Creating luck and fate

Luck could be defined as the coming together of preparation and opportunity. There generally needs to be some amount of input for luck to work. For example if you want to win the lottery then it is essential for you to buy or acquire a ticket. You may be considered ‘lucky’ if you win with odds of sixty million to one… but you still needed to take the essential step of obtaining a ticket which shifted the odds from ZERO to 60,000,000 – 1.

Another example could be if you are on the lookout for a bargain Toyota . If you make the effort to scour all the local newspapers and car magazines your chances of ‘dropping lucky’ onto the car you want to buy at the right price are greatly increased over you simply going to one main dealer in your town.

We create our own luck and fate. However the amount we experience is generally proportional to the relevant preparation and effort we make. With this in mind I want you to place onto a back burner the common idea of Mr Right simply walking into your life and sweeping you off your feet. This is a fantasy scenario which sells books – not a platform for making your relationship happen.

Rapport, sexual attraction and love

I’m going to teach you skills and mindsets which will make you attractive and desirable to many guys. It’s going to take effort, but you will be well rewarded. However before we start I need you to whole-heartedly accept that relying upon luck or fate will not serve you. Relationships are not the product of magic, destiny or anything similar. They are a mix of rapport, sexual attraction and love – the first two creating the third over time.

The topic of rapport is going to be expanded upon elsewhere but just for now I’d like to point out that creating it can work two ways. The first way is the one you have probably relied upon to date – that is basically down to random events and chance. The second way to create rapport is with skill, purpose and direction – which are what I’m going to teach you.

Matching – the rapport dance

Have you ever noticed an ‘in love’ couple in a café or bar? It’s very common for them to sit in a similar posture and to move in tandem. For example if one picks up their drink then the other would likely do the same within a couple of seconds. If one shifts their posture or crosses their legs – the other would often follow suit. This is called matching and is a sub-section of body language. Let’s briefly discuss how rapport seems to work.

Let’s say there is a woman you work with who comes over as really pleasant. One day you get talking with her and you find out she shares many interests with you. You find yourself looking forward to your next coffee break so you can pick up the conversation again. This time you find that you touch on more in-depth issues and once more the two of you share common ground in what you believe is important in life. The days pass and you chat regularly enjoying each others company. The days turn into weeks and you find yourself confiding in your new friend because you not only feel comfortable trusting her, but also greatly value her opinion. It seems almost a little surreal but you feel like you already know what she’s going to say before she speaks. However what you haven’t consciously noticed is when you sit facing her it’s almost like looking into a mirror…

Why you ‘feel’ you like people

Matching (also known as ‘mirroring’) is a phenomenon controlled by the subconscious part of the brain. It seems that we have some sort of in-built social program which tells us how we feel about certain people. I’m sure you have met some people for the first time and felt comfortable with them, whereas some other people are easy to initially dislike.

Basically when you first meet someone you make an initial impression of them (as they do of you). The way we decide what we think about someone new can be based upon many things, for example;

• Are they threatening in any way?
• How are they presented?
• Do they smell bad or are they dirty?
• Is their posture open or closed?
• Do they fidget or move erratically?
• What is the tonality of their voice?
• Do they have cold eyes or a warm smile?
• Do they seem genuine or are they hiding something?
• What experiences have I had with similar people in the past?
• Do I already have any information from someone else regarding this person?

Our initial impression can be formed within a matter of seconds. However it can be modified if we learn new information about the person which in turn can change our opinion of them.

Natural rapport with guys

Let’s say for example that you get chatting with a man and realise you have things in common. You feel that you quite like this new guy. At this time natural defences (both physical and psychological) will begin to lower. This causes body language to become more open and relaxed.

As time passes if you continue to feel comfortable your subconscious begins to communicate your internal feelings by causing your posture and movements to loosely copy or match the other persons. This is a completely natural process which tells you when you are getting along with someone. The matching process is generally invisible to the conscious awareness as it is filtered out as unimportant to that part of the brain. However in terms of subconscious awareness it is noted and actually influences your behaviour and thoughts.

As you subconsciously notice another person matching you - you get the comfortable feeling (in terms of thoughts, emotions and behaviours) that you are getting along and like the other person. This works both ways as the other person is noticing the same thing in your behaviour and experiencing the same feelings of getting along. For matching to take place and deep rapport to be felt it can take weeks or months of exploring someone and the kind of person they are. However, this is how we create friendship and it is this rapport (and matching) which identifies who you feel you like and get along with.

Let’s capitalise!

What would it be like if we didn’t want to wait for weeks or months to see IF someone else had rapport with us? What would it be like if we could RAPIDLY CREATE RAPPORT with practically anyone?

The good news is that we can and the outstandingly good news is that it’s really simple! If we examine how rapport works we find that natural matching only occurs when rapport is already in place. So basically it’s only when you really like someone and they like you that posture and movements become subconsciously matched. It is this subconscious feedback which keeps both people informed that they are getting on well.

Perhaps it would follow that if matching of posture and movement were to be present (whether subconsciously driven or otherwise), then a state of rapport would be subconsciously assumed to be in place.

Using matching to hook a guy

You meet a guy for the first time and decide you’d like to get to know him better. There’s nothing to say that the feeling is mutual at the moment so you decide it would be a good idea to rapidly build rapport before he slips away. You start by purposely sitting in a similar position to him and within a minute or so you start to subtly copy his movements. Within ten minutes the guy has really opened up to you and you find he’s leaning in and paying you lots of attention. Perhaps this really does work.

In all honesty it works very well. I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve met for the first time who swear they have met me before. They feel there is something very familiar about me as though we have been good friends for a long time.

Buying into rapport

The obvious reason for gaining rapport is that it’s far easier to negotiate with someone who likes you. At the end of the day, would you be more comfortable buying something important from someone you liked and trusted or from someone you felt impartial to? When it comes to relationships it’s a similar sort of thing. You are ‘buying’ what the guy has to offer you (looks, genetics, humour, protection, provision, affection, sex, understanding, empathy, etc), whilst at the same time ‘selling’ him on what you have to offer in exchange.

It really doesn’t matter how pretty, well dressed, wealthy, smart or anything else you are – unless he actually likes you, nothing will happen. By the same token, if you’re not the type of woman who is considered drop-dead gorgeous then you may need something to get your foot in the door. Once a guy feels comfortable with you, there are further techniques you’ll learn which will bypass his instinctive desires for certain female attributes you may not have. So with this in mind, unless you have a constant stream of eligible guys queuing outside your door, you’d be wise to take advantage of implementing rapport, using the skills I’ll teach you.

Test it for yourself

You have my copyright permission to print this ‘matching exercise’ out and to use it for your personal development.

Go to a café either alone or with a friend (be safe). Make sure you get a seat where you can see a good proportion of the customers. The exercise is split into two parts, both of which can be done on a single visit.

• Part 1. Order yourself (and your friend if applicable) a drink. Have a look around the café at the various people and notice if there are any couples. If so I want you to watch their postures and movements for at least five or six minutes. Notice what happens when one moves – does the other shift their posture? Notice also if people sitting on the same table as each other pick up their drinks together or certainly within a couple of moments of each other. The final thing I want you to look for is commonality. Of the people who seem to be getting on well – how many are matching posture and movement. Of those who don’t seem to be getting on, how many are matching each others behaviours?

• Part 2. Choose someone in the café you don’t know. It ideally needs to be someone on a different table who is facing you or that can at least see you in their peripheral vision. You don’t need to be looking directly at them in order to see them effectively. It’s easy to watch them whilst you nonchalantly look around the café. Match their posture as accurately as you can so it’s like you’re looking at them in a mirror. Once you are happy with that start to follow their shifts in posture and movements. So if they cross their legs, so do you. If they pick up a drink, so do you. If they lick their lips, run their fingers through their hair, or touch their nose… so do you. Do this for five or six minutes.

Once you have been matching someone for a short time they often start to ‘feel’ your presence. They are drawn to want to look at you, but with social protocol being what it is they’ll try and do it very subtly. So look out for a subtle glance in your direction. What is happening here is that their peripheral vision is picking up your rapport signals. The signals are being read by their subconscious which is in turn giving them a feeling that there’s something about you which is drawing their attention.

Practice makes perfect

So do this exercise at least once. If you want my opinion I’d suggest you do it five or six times. The reason for this is that you need to learn these skills to the point where they are automatic. Remember that once you are in front of a potential Mr Right you are going to need your conscious brain power to be focused on listening intently to what he says and also for formulating your replies. You don’t want to have to unnecessarily tie up any brain power for matching his posture and movements. Learn now where it’s safe. If you mess up on an exercise it doesn’t matter – if you mess up in front of a potential Mr Right then it could cost you.

Rapport promotes lifestyle

In addition to attracting your Mr Right, these rapport building skills are indispensable in both your everyday and working life. You’ll find people who like you will want to help you. This adds up to good news when you are looking for a lower price on something you want to buy and also stands you in good stead during job interviews or business negotiations. I simply cannot stress just how much a basic skill like matching (when used well) will benefit you in so many areas of your life. Learn it – practice it – use it!

This type of matching is very basic, but it works well and it will prove to you that what I teach isn’t academic theory but real life skills which will help you to create not only rapport but also your dream relationship. I’ve given you the smallest snippet here so you can sample it for yourself. There is much more where that came from if you want to pursue it. The more you know and understand – the easier it becomes to create your dream relationship.

Pacing and leading

As you continue to read it’s easy to notice how often you blink. Yet the more you focus on blinking the more you seem to do it.

So did you notice you were blinking?

I know it’s a trivial example but you’ll learn more appropriate and useful contexts once you understand how it works and you’re committed to making your dream relationship happen.

Pacing is the feeding back of information regarding something the person is already experiencing or doing. So in this case you were reading. Hence;

As you continue to read…

This basically feeds back something you are already experiencing or doing and is accepted by your brain as being true or credible (called a truism). Now the interesting thing is that if the brain believes or acknowledges that something at the start of a sentence is true then it tends to accept the remainder of the sentence as also being true.

…it’s easy to notice how often you blink.

Your brain accepted you continuing to read as being true or credible – it also took note of the leading part of the sentence which followed. Thus you readily accepted the suggestion that it was easy to notice how often you blinked.

Leading guys is easy!

Here are some golden phrases which allow you to introduce pacing and leading to any conversation;

• As you / we…
• When you / we…
• Whilst you / we…
• The more you / we…

For example;

“As we continue to talk it’s easy to realise just how much we have in common.”

(Notice how much we have in common)

“When you laugh like that it helps you to really appreciate someone’s sense of humour – doesn’t it?”

(Appreciate I have a sense of humour)

“Whilst you may be surprised by my bold approach, it shows that I’m the sort of woman who knows what she wants.”

(Notice I’m decisive, assertive and I know what I want)

“The more we chat like this, the more connected we feel.”

(Feel more connected with me)

You may have noticed a certain amount of cause and effect here. Essentially this is what the language is bringing about. We are simply using words and phrases in a certain order to cause another person to think in a way useful to our goal.

The ‘but’ switch

If the ‘B’ word were to be obliterated from the English language then objections would all but cease to exist. Even I’m doing it now!!!

Seriously though – the simplest and most common way for a guy to make an objection to your advances or relationship plans is to use the word ‘BUT’.

Here are a few examples;

“I really like you but I’m seeing someone right now.”

“Sure I love you but I don’t want to get tied down yet.”

“Of course I want to get married but I simply can’t afford it at the moment.”

Let’s examine what’s going on here. There is a distinct pattern in the layout of ‘but’ objections. Here it is;

Positive Statement – BUT – Negative Statement.

The negative statement always carries the weight because it follows the word ‘but’.

What we need to do is acknowledge your guys objection but to transfer the weight from the negative to the positive.

Here’s how;

Negative Statement – BUT – Positive Statement.

Note; we have switched the statements around the ‘but’ – hence the ‘but switch’.

Let’s feedback the above examples through our process:

“So you’re seeing someone right now but you really like me don’t you?”

“I appreciate you don’t want to get tied down yet but you do love me don’t you?”

“I know we can’t afford it at the moment but you do want to get married don’t you?”

Where does the emphasis appear now?

The emphasis has switched from the negative to the positive. You are not only feeding back your guys words (paraphrasing) which gains rapport, but also converting them from an objection to something positive they must agree with. After all – they’re his words!

This gives us a platform to work with:

“So you’re seeing someone right now but you really like me don’t you? Surely your current relationship is based upon understanding - so there’s no harm in us having a friendly chat over a coffee.”

“I appreciate you don’t want to get tied down yet but you do love me don’t you? It’s just that I’m willing to wait for a ring if I know we’ll get married eventually.”

“I know we can’t afford it at the moment but you do want to get married don’t you? I was thinking that as money is the only issue we could have a smaller service and get married in the summer.”

I’m sure you’ll agree this is a powerful tool for overcoming shallow objections. Here’s the process:

1. The objection will be presented as; Positive Statement – BUT – Negative Statement.
2. Convert the objection to; Negative Statement – BUT – Positive Statement.
3. Add a statement or question to enhance the positive.

Embedded commands

These are subliminal suggestions, instructions and commands (bundled together for simplicity) which are concealed within our verbal and written communication. Here are some examples along with the process used to create them:

“I think it’s the hot weather that brings out the animal in you.”

“You know John I’m pleased you feel comfortable talking openly.”

“There’s something about this place that makes you feel really at home.”

“My friend Sarah was saying it’s a proven fact that 98% of people vividlyfantasise about making love.”

In terms of verbal delivery you need to somehow ‘mark out’ the parts highlighted in bold. It is possible to do this in several ways. For example;

“I think it’s the hot weather that (pause) brings out the animal in you.”

You could insert a brief pause which sends a marker (pay attention to this bit as its important) signal to the subconscious. This is very subtle and is likely to be passed over by the overworked analytical conscious mind. However the subconscious will almost certainly consider opening up and taking in a new direction, causing associated pictures, dialogue and feelings to come into place.

“You know John I’m pleased you feel comfortable talking openly .”

The next marker we could use is tonality. As a woman you are naturally sensitive to voice tone and tempo as it is part of what makes up your intuition. Thus you can alter the tone of your voice slightly to communicate to his subconscious that there is something to pay attention to here. This way the command - ‘Feel comfortable talking openly’ is fed into his subconscious.

“My friend Sarah was saying it’s a proven fact that 98% of people (gesture 1) vividlyfantasise (gesture 2) about making love.”

OK this one is pure magic. When you say the word ‘people…’ make sure you gesture with your hand towards him (gesture 1), thus subconsciously implying you are speaking about him. The second gesture (gesture 2) is a to and fro movement of your hand between the two of you as you speak the words ‘vividly fantasise about making love’. Thus his subconscious will at some level fantasise about making love to you. This should get his brain chemistry bubbling!

Here’s the process to construct an Embedded Command:

1. Decide on your outcome – essentially what you want your guy to think, feel or do.
2. Create a short (and preferably simple) command which will coincide with your outcome.
3. Create a sentence around the command that slots nicely into the conversation.

Associated embedded commands

This works the same way as the embedded commands (discussed previously) with the benefit that it is associated to you personally. So rather than having to gesture to yourself to ensure he’s associated the command with you – it can also be done through language ambiguity.

So for example;

“You know John I’m pleased you feel comfortable talking openly.”

This phrase could be interpreted by John as meaning he feels comfortable talking openly with anyone as opposed to you personally. You can certainly use gestures to subconsciously associate commands to yourself or you can do it very subtly like this;

“You know John I’m pleased you feel comfortable talking openly. With me, I find it’s like a weight is lifted off my shoulders once I start getting connected with someone.”

We can use pauses to great effect here. Normally we would make a short pause for a comma (,) and a longer pause for a full stop (.). However, what would happen if we were to use the short pause for the full stop and a longer pause for the comma?

“You know John I’m pleased you feel comfortable talking openly (short pause) With me (long pause) I find it’s like a weight is lifted off my shoulders once I start getting connected with someone.”

You can almost lose the short pause completely so that the command reads;

“Feel comfortable talking openly with me”

With a little practice you can get this down to a tee.

Here are the rest of the examples having received the ‘associated treatment’;

“I think it’s the hot weather that brings out the animal in you. For me, I could easily get used to wearing a bikini all day.”

“There’s something about this place that makes you feel really at home. Now with me, I love feeling snug – it’s just the way I am.”

“My friend Sarah was saying it’s a proven fact that 98% of people vividlyfantasise about making love. To me, that’s probably a conservative estimate!”

The power of emotional states

What is a state?

A state is essentially your frame of mind, how you feel or your emotional state at any given moment.

If you matched six numbers on the lottery your state would probably feel ecstatic. If you were given an important but unfamiliar task to perform you may feel apprehensive. If you were taught powerful attraction skills you’d probably feel motivated and excited…

What causes states?

As you can appreciate from these examples, states are perceived to be caused by situations and circumstances. This to a degree is true, particularly in the case of guys. However, a more accurate assumption could be that all states are driven internally by our thought processes.

If this were true then it wouldn’t be the six lottery numbers that put us into an ecstatic state – rather it would be the pictures and sounds we made in our mind (of wealth, holidays, property, shopping, etc) that would cause us to feel ecstatic.

As for the important but unfamiliar task, we’d probably be making pictures of what could possibly go wrong and be telling ourselves how we should have done it properly. This could result in us experiencing a feeling of apprehension.

Chance states

Ordinarily states are things that ‘just occur’ and ‘happen to us naturally’ as we go through life. Sometimes we are aware of situations or circumstances that may have caused us to enter a state, whereas on other occasions it can seem a mystery as to why we feel a certain way.

In a way we can draw some similarity with the matching phenomenon we discussed in the rapport section earlier. If you recall, matching is a natural occurrence which seems to operate almost out of chance when certain criteria are satisfied for two people. We also learned that it was possible to purposely create matching and hence rapport through intent and thus remove the ‘chance’ factor. Well here we are again in a similar position. People generally accept that their states ‘just happen’. They may feel good or they may feel bad and basically it’s dependent upon what happens to them in their world which dictates that. So, what would it be like if we were to be able to induce or control someone’s state through nothing more than our conversation?

Influencing a guys emotional state

There are some obvious benefits to being able to control someone’s state, although many people don’t realise just how influential this ability could make them. Remember that getting someone into a given state not only makes them ‘feel’ a certain way – it also influences their decision making processes and responses. Just as a brief example, imagine asking the following question of a guy that is in a cautious state of mind:

“So you normally go for blondes, but what would it be like to try something a little different for a change?”

A guy in a cautious state of mind would almost certainly look for excuses to stick with blondes. However, if you were to first shift the same guy into an adventurous state of mind before asking him the question, his neurology and decision making processes would almost certainly work differently. If someone is feeling adventurous and you offer them something new or different, it bodes well with the way they are currently feeling.

This is a very minor example of a hugely powerful process. This is not some sort of academic theory – it works in the real world. By virtue of the way the mind operates, someone’s state at any given moment is in fact their reality. Thus by shifting someone’s state to something you choose, you are in effect also shifting their reality.

State inducing phrases

An excellent way to induce a state is to cause a guy to recall a similar state from memory. The wonderful thing about this is that they have to relive that state in order to make sense of what you’re saying. Their subconscious cannot define between past, present and future. As far as they’re concerned (at a subconscious level) everything is in the now.

Here’s a state inducing phrase;

“Have you ever ..?

When asked this ‘question’ (which is more like a command) the guy has to go inside and search for matching experiences. He needs to relive those experiences in order to test that they fit your question.

So for example if you wanted your guy in an excited state, you could ask

• “Have you ever been so excited you could just burst?”

If you want him in a state of rapport you could use;

• “Have you ever met someone for the first time and known straight away that there’s something about them you really like?”

If he seems cautious and you want him to focus on being positive;

• “Have you ever been initially unsure about something - but went ahead anyway to find that everything worked out really well? Like with me, I always give something a fair chance because I understand that you need to chip away the rock before you can find the diamond (gesture to self) underneath.”

If you want him to feel comfortable with you;

• “Have you ever felt so comfortable with someone that you want them to know and understand the real you?”

Creating states for negotiation

Imagine you are a saleswoman paid purely on commission. If you don’t sell, you don’t get paid. Let’s say that you have a customer, Mr Johnson – who appears very nervous. I’ll tell you for nothing that nervous people are unlikely to commit to buy, particularly something which requires any level of financial investment. Thus you need to somehow alter his nervous state to one which is more useful. I would recommend going from nervous to curious, then from curious to feeling excited.

“So Mr Johnson is this the first time you have looked into a private pension scheme?”

- “Yes it’s the first time, but I’m not sure it’s for me to be honest.”

“Oh that’s fine. Lots of people are kept in the dark regarding all the tax benefits they can enjoy through a correctly structured pension scheme. Have you ever been curious as to how much tax you can legitimately save or are you happy just paying it to the chancellor?”

- “Of course not!”

“So what would it be like if you could actually direct some of your existing tax payments away from the chancellor’s pocket and into a savings fund for your future?”

- “That sounds interesting…”

“OK – As you start to imagine what you could be doing with this savings fund in the future, you may find yourself becoming more excited about how by taking action now, you can be enjoying a taste of the good life at the tax mans expense!”

- “This is really good – how much does it cost?”

“Well Mr Johnson that’s where the beauty of our pension scheme really shines through. They are flexible to the point where you decide what you can comfortably afford to pay each month and we’ll ensure the tax man makes his contribution on your behalf. So would £100 a month be acceptable to you, or could you stretch to £120?”

Of course this is an example in a sales context. However, when it comes to attracting your Mr Right you need to make the most important sale of your life – selling yourself. These state inducing phrases are designed to guide your potential guy into a certain way of thinking (a state). It is for you to decide beforehand what state would be most useful for his decision making strategies in getting him from where he is now to where you want him to be.

Creating states for flirting and relationships

E.g. “What’s it like when..?”

This is a command to experience a state from memory.

“What’s it like when you’ve just bought a loved one something so special that you want to give it to them right away?”

With this example you’re guiding him towards his drive to provide. This is (believe it or not) an instinctive behaviour for a guy to experience with a mate. It also brings him into a state of excitement and anticipation.

“What’s it like when you realise you’re in love?”

Here you’re guiding him to recall a time that the realised he was in love and to re-experience those feelings. Once he’s re-experienced those memories and entered that state you would of course associate that state to you (through anchoring discussed in my book).

“What’s it like when you just know something is right?”

This one is what’s called ambiguous or non-specific. Basically you’re asking him a grey question, so what happens is he goes inside his mind and picks a suitable experience in order to clarify what you mean. Once he has an experience and enters the state (of feeling something is right), you associate that feeling either to yourself or something you wish to discuss with him… like moving in together perhaps. You’ll learn how to associate things in due course – let’s just take things one step at a time.

“What’s it like when you find yourself lying awake at night thinking of someone?”

This one is quite naughty because it actually works in two ways. The first is that he’ll go inside and find a time when he’s done just that. Thus he enters a state where he’s missing someone and finding himself daydreaming about her. Whilst he’s in that state he’s actually looking at you and - guess what? He’s associating that feeling to you. This brings the second part into play as he will now have this ‘missing you’ idea in the back of his mind. So when he finds himself lying awake at night, we know who he’s going to be thinking about!

Influence without being controlling

OK, please be good with these skills. I’ve given them to you on the understanding that they are only to be used to create win – win situations. Attracting your Mr Right and creating a loving fulfilling relationship with him cannot be achieved through blatant manipulation. I’m all for you using these skills and techniques to gently influence him, but remember that you do have a significant advantage in that you know what you’re doing and he doesn’t! Make him happy and treat him well.

Much more to learn…

As with the rapport and matching discussion, this is a tiny cross section of the linguistic skills I teach women to help them create their dream relationship with Mr Right. There’s not really space here on my website to go into detail about how to specifically get into a guys head, but the information is available if you’re serious about pursuing relationship bliss. I also teach women specifically what guys find attractive and off-putting so they can adapt their day to day life to appeal to guys who would otherwise have not even noticed them. Anyway, I’ve gone on long enough regarding attracting him, so let’s now take a look at Keeping Mr Right.